I wrote this journal for my beloved friend Nadeen. Ever since she left me I never been same, things go wrong and I made mistakes when I fell in love with her. The day after 1st July, completely transform me into a new life. I was drowning in my sadness stupidity, but I deserved it. At the same time I figure out, if I have a minute to stop, what would I say? What would I do? The question might not be important anymore for me or to us. In assessing my current situation and looking back at the time I believe that every sadness has brought another very significant person into my life, even we have gone separate ways but we still shared many things. Pass as time goes by, but to say I will stop loving her would be a lie. I even thought she was into me and I think I was foolish enough to believe so but when I finally got the courage to confess she bluntly rejected me and it did hurt a lot. I even felt betrayed and there were a lot questions on my mind left unanswered as to “why”, why me, why not me these stupid question running through my mind. Being her friends for couple years, I was happy for her but I am only human and I do get hurt. Of course there’s more the story and I might share with the whole world some day, maybe soon, now. I knew I was just nothing for her, just pure friendship unlikely I’ve been anticipating that our relationship blossom into something special. However our friendship ended. It was literally tearing a part to know that we are not together yet oh! Or anymore.
I’m not fear of rejection. For me living with the regrets of “what if? Is more painful then being rejected! The night before 1st July I proposed her but I was too much pressure by getting too ambitious and I tried too perfect with my first words or get to perfect with positive responds. When she doesn’t respond well to those thing it really a huge disappointment. In fact she rejected me for the first attempt of admitting loves her, without giving any chance. That disappointment caused to never want to approach another woman ever again. Do I sound stupid? I must look like a fool? But at least I mustered to courage to tell her how important she is, which I’ve been keeping for years. For me if we love someone we should let them know in classical way or another. Maybe talking to them, write a letter or anything, but a good result is never guaranteed. I might say “Love is friendship, friendship is love. If love fails, friendship should remain. For friendship is the foundation of love”.
I do think sometimes life works that way or in much different way. We are always experiencing the exact thing we are supposed to in order to fulfill our life, in some way. Life is unpredictable, it is an adventure and a journey, even if we do not travel far from home, and we meet new people in many different ways. Some people are significant for some reasons that completely different from the significance of the next person. We meet the people we are supposed to when we are supposed to. Sometime life gives us glimmer of what is to be expected and if you pay close attention we will remember.
I believed things happen for a reason. We should take every opportunity and try to learn from it. There is always a good learning experience even if a situation is poignancy. We might say yes, we could end up meeting a new love by virtue of ending a relationship; perhaps what we learned about our self in the previous relationship prepared us for this, or might be not. I got the breaks when I still have someone around as good friends. I would like to acknowledge; lindzreen “bigwig” who was bear hand on me at truly difficult time in my life and kept me focused during some of my lowest times in this grieving process and gave the ideas for the process of writing. For instance, I remembered this journal should be read as” the day after 1st July (if only I could......…..)” or” the day after 1st July (if only I could turn back time......…..)” or” the day after 1st July (things are better be left untold......…..)”. She was good made it up isn’t?
In my insanity, I remembered when first I met Nadeen when about 2006. I have some very wonderful memories that day; she came in to the office for an interview and passing through in front of me with the naïve face. When she became one of our colleagues I have been in the situation where I have this so called “hidden feelings” towards her. Everyday we would see each other, but for me to describe how wonderful her is never be simply by a few words.
I realized I started loving her when I was like being around her. As I’m writing my eyes begin to tear up. I wouldn’t lie I can’t stop these tears from falling though. Certainly I have a good cried in my privacy room. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her and I don’t believe I ever will because if love feels like this is the end then I might temporarily don’t ever want to fall in love again. However, I try to taken lying down she and me had some good times in the past and that’s really great at least for me. I know that was then and this now. So what would I do? People might wrinkle to me do not think anymore about this painful messing about and ask me to move on, find someone who behaves in more stable manner, who will treat me more kindly and be more honest and open with me. Wouldn’t that be the assertive thing to do? Or I could continue pester this woman women who walls me out see whether in the short term it gets what I want. Is not that easy “people”!
She isn’t really happy at the minute and I think I could do with a week’s break to see if she does really wish something, but I lasted less than 12 hours before I couldn’t bear not seeing her and called her, but I still couldn’t make her change her mind. I tried to call her again and she told me that I’d done had really annoyed and upset her and that it made her not want to be with me any more. I know I should not have done it but it was an impulsive reaction to just try and find something out because I had no clue as to why she was doing this to me. She told me that she didn’t want get back as a friend just yet and not now or forever. She seems to be getting more distant from me, even hanging up repeatedly when I tried to phone her. This tore me apart as I sensed the worst. That time I really confused and I don’t know how to fix the messed up. I begging her at least talk to me but she just doesn’t seem want to talk or give me a real reason as to why she feels so unhappy. Granted we’re not the ideal “couple”, I always believe we might resolved our differences and been able to talk each other again and I also believe in fate and destiny.
People might call me a terrific lover, and I believe many people thought by loving someone doesn’t allows us to play with our own dignity. You “people” probably say I should leave the girl at the moment only and wishing that the other guy would accept her and will live happily. It reminds me to Indian love is not “getting” it is “giving” and I personally believe that this is the best way to love someone.
It’s hard to move on from someone you love, and maybe I should either try or talk to her again. She might either want to get back to me or she could set me straight and let me know that it is really over. I realized I really need her not more than a friend. My hope now is only “time”. Time is a great healer and I believe so because with time we might begin feel better. I tried occupying myself with loads of things to do, go for a walks, immerse me in work, go out and meet people. I knew many peoples like me. But actually sometimes to move on this, doesn’t mean we need to go and get bunch of girlfriends, or hang out with friends, or try to get my stuff busy. I just remind my self sometimes, which I don’t need to have someone to be a person.
It may not seem like that now. But I believe one day it happen and by the time I’ll be driving along with my “Ferrari”, walking along whatever and shout to my self “I’m over her and it don’t hurt me anymore”. But like I said is really hard to abandon love. I wouldn’t lie to you “people”, I always hope that something will come up that will change her mind. It is a human nature to feel this way once you are in love, but it is also human nature to forget the pain as time passes by. In the great movie “Schindler list” when a Nazi got bored to kill Jews and sought greatness, Schindler tells him. “Greatness is to have power and not use it”. In my perception power is my friends owe me and apology and my greatness would be to apologize first. And back to basics friends are the best think one can have.
For those people fall to pity on me please stop right there, while it’s nice that you concerned about me but there were another thing’s, actually I already has a girlfriend. I betrayed our love. As of know I’m thinking I’m probably going to break up with her because as of now I am being dishonest, when my feelings just aren’t what should be and I cant give my heart to her. Stop! Don’t even think about it, I tried to give time for my self and be patient but it’s too complicated. I really made mistakes I shouldn’t love someone until I really ready and I should be honest with her all the times. It doesn’t work out too well.
Indeed, we have been together for almost three years. I supposed used to marry her but feeling changes. I really want to write this off it will be too hard for her and me. It will break her heart and it might cause her into sadness. I don’t want to be the cause for her to that. I know how it feels to be put through that. It’s like the whole world just collapsed on top of you. I really don’t want her to feel that pain but how can I write it off without destroying her. Don’t answer that is not a question. I know “people” might bundling off me to just do it and get it over with, or tell her in nicest way possible or I should ask myself honestly; why I feel need to break up. Is it because I have fallen out love, found someone else or just can’t deal with the problem anymore? Either way it will hurt her. Should I draw it out! Perhaps I will use compassion and move on, and is what I feel is best.
Nonetheless, how could I stop anyone from feeling what they will feel? You “people” might say I am “trying to fringing codependent and I need to show a bit my own self worth instead of always trying to rescue someone else?!” I won’t stop you “people” to saying that. I get your point. I was doing far more damage holding on, trying to protect her than just letting her go. Precisely, I am not responsible for her feelings. She might feel whatever she wants to feel about me, then at one point she will think I am a scum ball looser and she’s glad to be rid of me. I know “people” it was offensive, and definitely she will feel grief for the loss of our relationship, but don’t you “people” think hurt is very real aspect of the grief process. It makes a perfect sense right.
I apologize for being egoistical. I’m not the person fall out love with someone unless I wasn’t in love with them in the first place, but it does happen to everyone at one point or another. I will start by saying that we need to understand we can be of no value to our partner if we don’t love them. We see it around us all the time where couples argue and row in bad circumstances fight and physical abuse occurs, this is terrible state of affairs and is mainly due to fear. Partners usually stay together in these situations for their own personal reasons and the fear of failure, criticism, hurting their partner and keep them in the failed relationship. It’s opposite when we can transcend these fears and realize that the relationship is not working we can release our partner and create good dressing atmosphere.
The temporary hurt will heal and both partners can then move on with their lives. Again I know there is no value at all staying with someone you don’t love unless you are entirely happy with that situation. Now having said this questioning back myself what I want from this relationship, I’m not the person think lightly on the value of relationship and feel it’s of up most importance to “understand”. To “understand” what is values of my lie. Yes, I’m not being in any values if I’m not happy. If I could put in words “exactly” what is in my heart of hearts then I would do so with alacrity. Most of the time I fear. Scared that my words would lie. Uncertain of what would happen if I could speak of love. A matter in hand now what I want because when it is there I can recognize it. I always said we wouldn’t expect our boat to run on land, and so we shouldn’t expect our life to run happiness.
If you know me, and I believed honesty and confrontation is always good. First we know it’s hard to take our own advice most of the time. As I said “temporary hurt will heal”. Yes she might heal and go forward; I know I have no right to make the better happen, but at the same times I may never let her just handles it, which assume it is her problem not me, yes it might out of my hands. I believe in Allah and always pray by giving her tremendous peace to handle it. It is possible if we could remain friends or I leave to Allah concept or fate or anything. I will try to help I can to help, if I choose that “way” when or if I know I did what I were able to do, walking away with no hard feelings then we can go forward, but to tell her I don’t love her anymore is not simply an option.
For instance, I remembered my friend Lindzreen I wondering why should spend so long torturing her in relationship. I’m all for trying make things work. She has been in a relationship for seven years. Some of this time has been happy. And sometimes by the sounds she was unhappy. Life’s short, sweetie. Sometimes it is simply to let a relationship go than keep plugging away at it until you bleed. Take the good memories from the seven years you’ve had together. And take on valuable relationship lesson, the way you feel about someone when you first meet is not necessarily how you fell about him a few years later. I like to read C.S Lewis’s “four love” which goes into the four Greek words for different types of love? I’ll admit though that I found part of discussion quite obnoxious his claim that having a woman present wrecks a great male only conversation. But later he married a bright woman and now, 50 years later I think that times have changed somewhat at least in some circles some of the time.
Actually no matter how well we might think we know someone, all of us have past. Everyone has secrets they hold near and dear to their hearts, without revealing them even to the most important people in our lives. What secret does your lover hold? When it comes to our life, we hope those secrets are innocuous secret crushed, a wild weekend in Uptown, or little white lies that harm no one. But what if they are big secrets? I might hide secrets that could have a profound effect on my life. Unveiling those secrets at a later date could erode any trust have in each other and cause relationship to crumble.
I’ve been through tough stages. My issues seem to be more when I try to make positive changes. I get overwhelmed with anxiety. Change is difficult and it seems so many people are afraid to make positive changes. I think sometimes we are afraid that we will give it all we got and we still fail. It is better to think I can do if I only wanted to, than to realize you just can’t. The hardest part is that when I start to make changes and life looking better. It often gets worse for a while to try and trick you back into normal life. It is about consistently nurturing my soul and loving me no matter what. Again I am questioning back why not spending time loved one, eating right, going new place, doing something different or anything. Can I say Life is simple make a choice and don’t turning back and don’t take everything in the world seriously, smile, laugh giggle.
to be continue.....
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