Fahr Farms Inc.

I would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya with thousands apologize, this raya it's cruel to watch you being hurt while am just sho busy with my stuffs and preparing for my upcoming journey. Am still I am. Something I still can't decide. And I want to say that it's not always easy - but it's simple that way and I want to stay and play it out, but I still have my doubts and beautiful things can never stay the same way. Actually you never deserved anything like this.

I want you to know the journey that I choose, need me learn how to be alone and independent, my new place(if) might be my sanctuary, where by I can't simple ask for help from anyone, I shouldn't not depend on anyone unless it is a life and death situtation. I hafta to deal with my sadness alone. In fact, I will cry if I have to and not feel less if I do. Am still worry less something that is not sure to happen. I will accept that I am indeed sad but I will not put up a facade of sadness....

I have/had/will hurt you so much in the timelines, again orang memohon kemaafan because I destroyed your dream. I am saying this way ahead of time too. I hope you understand that I need to this, because it's been quite long time and am still not in any values.

Anyway, I would like to say thank you for loving me the best possible way and I’m sorry that you’re hurting too much right now. But that’s life it’s complicated but beautiful. Everyone has to move on. Right now I’m miserable but I’m taking everything one step at a time…I guess I need to face the reality that I am fir.

::Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin:::

~from fir with endeavor~

Assalam'ualaikum....

Looking back over the hari raya of my past, I realize that my Hari Raya have not only evolved, but have taken on various lives of their own.

For me, Raya was it, the ultimate in a my kid's life, the day we all waited once a year for that day to arrive. My parents didn't have a lot back then, but every Raya there were some new baju melayu or baju kurung that for sure, along with family gatherings, gift giving,duit raya, and off course with the Malay tradition of eating all day long, were all a part of our Raya ritual.

When my adult years arrived, Raya seemed to have lost bits and pieces of its original luster. The duit Raya will be outward instead of inwards, no more the balik kampung traditions, the whole raya's thing, for whatever reason, seemed to have taken a nosedive. As of now when became a huge family I guess Raya took on new life, new hope, a home of our own to lovingly decorate and more importantly, precious relative or new family members to lavish raya on and infuse its spirit into. Sharing Raya with my entire family members not only allowed me the joy of giving them some things they truly wanted, it also allowed me to feel the magic I once felt what seemed a million years ago. Photos of happy, excited children in soft and "sesi bermaafan" are always close at hand to elicit those fond memories. However Raya tradition requires to make it all come together just the way you want it but not all tradition continued... :(

I believe there really is "no place like home for the Raya," just like the tradition says. The warmth of family and friends offers us a sense of belonging somewhere special. But for magic, look to a kids to provide it. And definetely for the light of the spirit of Raya can truly be seen in the innocence of a kid's belief, one that has not yet been tarnished by life's ups and downs. And that light, when recognized by an adult longing to see it, is dazzling, scintillating and absolutely spectacular.

Dear All,

During these last days of Ramadan, saya nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin to semua orang, tak kisah lah kenal or tak kenal, kalau saya ade ter cakap, terbuat salah silap, maaf kan ye. To err is human, to forgive divine. Haa.. especially mende yang terambik, termakan, terminum, halalkan lah. Last days of ramadan nie banyak berkat die, tak advantage of it :) (advice for me, too, tak sangke Ramadan dah nak habis). May all of us have a blessed life, filled with hope, joy and laughter.

~from fer with tugging~

Assalamu'alaikum........


I am just so, sick and tired right now, me missing my itty-bitty blog sho mush...wah!!! lama tak updet. Honestly nothing really good to pen. Today I woke up damn 0700..and the sun is already up too. Hullo mr sun maybe to day I'll see you more than just a couple of hours. All I wish to crawl myself back to bed and sleep till tomorrow comes. But then again, I have to go to office to. Yuck! reminds of that piece of song.... "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, it's only a day away"... except in my case, replace the word love with hate , and the singer has an expression about as happy as a dead chicken. Anyway, my stomach feels like it's been punched repeatedly, and it was hard to eat anything yesterday. Or maybe that's more due to the fact I was sick rather than heart-sick. me need to pray a lot and need some extra guidance right now....:s

aihh..I'm 26, and it's kinda a downer realizing that the earliest I can think about settling down would be in my late 20s, going on to 30s. There's just so much I have to do, so much that I need to accomplish before I can concentrate on having my own family, my own little girl and little boy. Put that with my own girl-related paranoia, it is not a great subject for me. The question "How's your love life?" always gives me the Fake-Smile Cardiac , where I would feel bile coming up my throat and I would paste a fake smile on my face and say some stupid random thing. Just because I'm not ready, doesn't mean that I don't privately wish that I'm settled in that department, safely engaged or married. Couples' promises mean nothing to me, I've seen a couple's relationship, which lasted a decade, just dissolve in front of my eyes in a period of a few weeks. I've seen (and had) promises broken and tears flow and dreams shattered. Dating, at the least, brings companionship for a few hours, and at the end of the day it's still just you. Even that is better than not having time to date instead. Oh well....

Yeah, those are some reaaaaaallllly depressing thought, I seriously need a new hobby, or at least have time to go to the gym and forget about stuff. That might be good. I'll do that....crap!..Am just thinking to write another books " the girl and the cockcroach" ermmm another crap for me!!hahahahahahahaha....

Mar your wife just like an excellent politician's wife because she obsessed with the guests. It's always "makan lah lagi" or nak air lagi"? or sume benda cukup tak"?. keskeskes politician's wife please....jgn mare!!!

Me wishing that I can just click my heels and be transported to where ever I want too.....daaa!

~from fer with flu~

Continuous from *I keep forgetting stuff even though I was thinking about it 5 seconds ago. *

I realized that I seem to be spacing out more frequently than usual, and that scares me, I mean...

scenario 1: I was in the living room, decorating my hari raya card when I wanted to get stamps from my desk for the envelope. I paused my DVD player, got up, got into my bedroom, and for the life of me couldn't remember what I wanted to get. I had to stand in my bedroom for about 10 seconds before I realize what I wanted.

scenario 2: I was writing my book that I needed draft at least 2 0r 3 pages. So I rummaged through my backpack for a pen, took out my notepad... then couldn't remember what I wanted to write. This soooo happened! I had to glance around my room to see if I can remember anything. Good thing I saw the book materials, it jogged my memory enough for me to remember what I wanted to write.

scenario 3: This night, I boiled some water because I needed to make this horrible tasting tea that I need to take with some supplementary (ironically enough, it's for physical and MENTAL well-being). I haven't taken tea for quite some time now, and the medication, and it's been weeks since I used my kettle. I plugged the kettle in, went into my bedroom to straighten my bed and put some clothes on, and promptly forgot about the kettle. While that seemed normal, when I heard that whistling sound (y'know, the one that indicates the water is done?), I couldn't figure out what made the sound and when I did find the source, I couldn't remember why I boiled the water in the first place. I had to walk around the room straightening out stuff before it finally dawned on me about the tea...

I mean, I've heard of absent-mindedness, but this is freakin' ridiculous. Seriously, this is scaring the shit out of me, I mean, I've always been a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty absent minded, but I've never had it this bad. And if you're thinking "he's remembering all the stuff that happened to him quite well, is he faking it?", rest assured that I started writing this shit at 10.30pm, and now it's 12.09am. I had to pause and alternate this and work just so I have enough time to remember everything. Besides, I'm a man, I have better stuff to fake.

Honestly, if anybody at all knows why the heck I'm experiencing this, lemme know, I'd love the input. Okay, I need to take a walk to clear my head and calm myself, I'll pen in again....

I'm currently pretty regular updating my blog even though nothing to report...eh tadi saje2 lah check my friends friendster saje nak tgk pics baby terbaru dia...tetiba nmpak kat korner yg tulis Top Network Searches tuh. Tgk la ape dorang cari....:

Bongok...time-time camni la rasa malu gan rakyat sendiri. Cari la mende lain yg ilmiah sket, kalau nak tak senonoh pun, jgn la buat kat friendster tuh(aku pun bukan baik sgt tp educated ar sket)...AdoooooIIII!!!!!

assalamu'alaikum.....

I'm so confused right now, I hate when I have to make tough decisions like this... kadang rasa mcm I want to study abroad but sometimes I thought don't even think about it. aihhhh!!!! but for now fortunely every stage tu lepas, and by now I make an arrangement with some people in dublin, especially to help me untuk cari rumah sewa and stuff like that. Sounds serius yeah! but for me still not sure what am suppose to do. Do I makes a right decisions? I dont't know. Actually there's so many things that I want to see or to do while I'm young, and so many things I want to learn, and even though I'm physically and mentally tired all the time plus with 1-20 issues I have to care about. btw I still have a time until end of this year to decide any posibilities. Again basically it sucks (really it does) when you basically do not have a lot of resource to do this.

For instance, I have to say I'm regretting a lot patutnya I'm be able to abroad after Spm1999, but I made horibble decisions. I'll fix this, I always do. Hopefully I'll be able to fix this soon, or else I'm gonna be worried for the rest of the career and I'm already depressed enough as it is. *Sigh*....

I chatted with a few friends I said mostly people tgh keje keras save duit sebab nak kawin, and I don't have that purpose to motivate me working. And klu lah betul dpt further study tak kisah if I hafta to work as a part time cleaner ker I would have gladly taken a that job as long as it meant that I would earn money and indirectly gain some real hard job experience. But It's not really even about the money, actually. It's more than that people...sometimes it took everything I had to keep me from crying about this dream (abroad). And I have to say the fact that some of my friends was laughing and making jokes with this. And guys, actually I cried so much at the first place, even I was laughing with the jokes. I believe by the time I don't have much in me to cry again.

I've been feeling strange lately .... like really strange. Can't really elaborate why. But it's definitely strange. The heart wants what it want when it wants .... and right now what I want, I cannot have. *Sigh* ... nak kawin balik kampung tanam jagung pun tak boleh. LoL. Adoi... hold on a sec.. brb...I just hate being strange!!

~from fer with strange~

Aihhh!!! Baru balik kerja just to rest my hands a bit, my finger has this pen identation that came about from holding my pen for the whole day. So I decided to abuse my fingers another way: by typing in random stuff to update my blog.

Tonight spending in my room by my lonesome, reading a few BOOKs and basically devouring everything in sight. I'm just in my down time, relaxing a bit before all the craziness of life starts.huh!....mls gila nak terawih....errrr!!!

Anwyway, today is kinda hectic at work. Can't wait to go home and get some shut eye. I almost missed work this morning. Thank goodness I got here on time (somewhat) ... or at all. It's a little hard when you wanna have it all: work, social life, blogging, etc.... aihh! tak tau what to write anymore...better stop!!!!

dang! lupa laks...btw thanks Ita your song really made my day....and I played the song back to back.like it very much..and tanya aku nape sedey2 erk??...ermmmm.....my answer is "takda pape"....ok2 nak nyayi ni..(zeta mesti org yg tension if you read this!!) hhahaha mood raya sket...sorey zeta!!!!

Omigosh, I haven't updated for quite some time now. Sorry for that, been busy lately. Actually, I still have a bunch of stuff to do for this last week and this week, but I decided to take a break and pen in some stuff before people start complaining again, hahaha. Shut your yappers. If you read my previous entries I decided nak withdraw my dream to study abroad kan?. One of the reason because I do not want to bust my brain. That day I thoughts I just want to concentrate in my life and makes everybody happy. Another things senarnnya malas gila nak change University,lagi2 nak sit for the placement test ARghhh!!! tak sanggup...Sucks! and beberapa hari lepas post entries kata nak withdraw study tuh , banyaknye received emails tanya WHY I want to do that and bla bla bla...., I honestly apperciate the thoughts tak kiralah thru email or comment, tapi unfortunely tak larat nak balas all the emails that I got. Sorry Yer, but thank you so much for your thoughts and concern, Allah je yg dapat balas. But I'm touched that so many people took the time nak bace the entries and then email me to show support.

Anyway, my IELTS preparation is going on pretty slow. My fault, of course, I've been busy with other stuff, lately, to be exact, I've been busy with work and personal stuff. It's supposed to be an easy score at least 5 or 5.5 (tp englishku mcm hampeh!but I'll try my best) and I do not want to mess up and I'm determined to do well, regardless the fact that my Cikgu Englishku is a tad bit more fussy than my school teacher. Never fear, I will prevail. Btw tmorw is the test I should be freaking out more but I'm not, and that's kinda worrying because I know the exam is gonna be hard... plus I have to think about work and something...... So I really should be bucking down and studying, but unfortunately, I'm not. Uh oh....!!!

Wish I have that kind of attitude for everythings. Amazing, there are this that I just wanna give up, but lo and behold, suddenly everything makes perfect sense. And while that's supposed to make me happy, it doesn't, because then I'd feel like the challenge is over and I have nothing to look forward to. Ah, humans, we're never satisfied with anything.

I'm just so confused right as to what I wanna do right now!. As of now I really wanna do is go to study abroad. I want it so bad, it hurts. But looking at my preparation, it's average at best. And I really want it. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I don't want to sound too much like Gloomy Gus(muram), but that dream seems to be further from my reach day by day. we'll see how everything goes.......

dear someone that I hurt,

mar, did you call me? The voice mail was pretty bad, I had no idea what you said.

~fer~