Fahr Farms Inc.

It'll be hard, and I mean, I was really hurt over your choice of actions and in a lot of ways, I probably have to be a lot more careful now until I want to do it again, but friendships that you actually want to keep are hard to forge because of my stupidity, and I'm not a mean person by nature. I saw your sincerity, saw that you trying to do something, and mostly saw that you really CARES that I'm hurting.

That's the thing about people. I thought I'd be mad at you forever, or at least for the next few years anyway, and I thought our friendship was over and done for. However, you was earnest about mending things, and although I'm still feeling some negative emotions, I'm willing to work them out just so that I don't lose you.

To be honest I didn't make things easy for you , all I wanted to do was to run away from all the things that were hurting me and protect myself from being vulnerable over and over again, so I ignored you. I saw that you cares and you doesn't assume that given time I'd be okay, you actually made a huge effort to at least try and make things better. I truly and honestly appreciate that, in more ways than anyone can imagine. You extended the olive branch, and I have decided to take it.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being so forthcoming and open about this, that I can speak about this so candidly even though this is, in all actuality, very private for me. Here's why: I don't like it when people just assume things. Assume that I'll be okay when I won't. Assume that I'll react in a certain way when I'm more intelligent than that. Assume that since nothing fazes me anymore, nothing hurts me anymore too. People make so many assumptions about things that they know nothing about. I know this because in a lot of cases I find that I'm guilty of doing it too. So no more assumptions. I'm laying the facts down bare and naked for people to read.

The fact is I'm not mean. If you show effort, I'll definitely meet you halfway. Thing is, I need to know that what I put out is not in vain. Sometimes you just need certain confirmations because maybe something happened and you just need to know.... know that it's still worth working towards, worth hanging on to, 'cause like I said, a good friendship is so hard to forge. Of course when you have it you don't want to let it go.

I need people to know that I never, never, never take my decisions lightly. They might not be the best course of actions, and they might be more motivated by emotions rather than thought, but these decisions are mostly made because I feel like there is no other way out. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. Sometimes I act out in certain ways as a test to someone, which in many aspects is so very not fair... 'cause I'm setting up the person to fail, since you doesn't know what the "test" is or that you is being "tested" at all.

But here's the trick: for every test, there's a sure-fire way to pass ..... I need to know that you actually care. You don't have to go all-out, all I need is a small confirmation that yes, no matter how small the feeling is, you do care that our friendship now has a rift. . I need the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who actually care enough about the relationship. This is basically what's going through my head when I have a conflict with any of my close friends, girls or guys. The cause might be different, but ultimately the end result is always the same. That aside, I also know that if I'm wrong, that I am not afraid to say I'm sorry. My ego isn't that inflated. And in certain cases, I'll even apologize even when I feel I'm right just because I know the issue is important to the other person more than it does me.

But reciprocate, dammit, I'm selfish enough to expect certain things in return. Which is why when I write the journal (refer to beginning of blog), I was relieved. The state of emergency is over, Lol... well at least this one anyway. You cares enough to try. Which is all I ever really wanted, 'cause everything else can click in place if we can at least show each other that we appreciate one another. Again sorry and thank you.

yours sincerely,

~fer~