Jan 27, 2009

She reminds me of who I am...

Dear ain,

I love you, we had a give-and-take relationship. Expecting one another to do in return when things had been done. We had a speed bump here lately, because of the minor issues. We have dedicated to working out issues but the personality conflict hurt us so much.We see each other daily and on the surface things go well. We even have honest talks daily, hopefully working towards better times. I miss her uncontrollably.I have realized the give-and-take relationship was based on selfish motives, so I’ve learned to love unconditionally, regardless of her feelings towards me.

My someone is incredible. She has been a wonderful person, beautiful, magnanimous, and has always forgiven me for my mistakes. We are very different people, different upbringing and different experiences and as such, brings about conflicts.But seriously I want to love her more. And I think I can do so my listening to her more. I know I should do that, but keep failing in my attempts. I am accused of not listening to her and I always counter by saying I do understand. I know that I sometimes forget that simple truth. Life gets in the way. With a long distance relationship which I don’t really have an option, I be very selfish. Even if I try to hide it, it is there .But, suddenly I have have been renewed with the deep love and desire to be close to her. I don’t know what it is, it just is. She is everything to me. I can’t believe I was blind to that for so long. It is like I have crawled out of a dark cave and am being blinded by a bright light.So I will try my best to LISTEN to her, love her more and I hope the things I do will please her. There is nothing more I want in this world than for us to be happy.

I simply dedicate myself to giving her unconditional love. Now and forever!

~from fir with love~

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assalamu'alaikum...

Before I start writing, I just want to say takziah to someone who I know is going through a hard time in his life right now. May Allah always give you courage and strength to go through the rest of your days, and may He lessen the pain for you. Know that you and your family are always in my prayers.

"....knock knock knock on the door....

Except for the knocking part, that's how my life has been lately. Last week mimpi bertemakan bende yg same, except mimpi semalam yg almost mati tu. Hari-hari mimpi tema tu. Bukan mimpi yg same, tapi byk melibatkan org yg same. Sorang tuh mmg stok yg everytime mimpi je, macam nak lepuk, yg sorang tu plak complicated sket. Malam tadi mimpi ade pelakon tambahan lah pulak, tapi tak nampak org nye, dgr suare dlm phone jek. Dalam mimpi sendiri pun kene marah jugak, wat the jadah..... That's it, lepas nie nak kene bace sikit kertas side effects ubat yg tgh ambik skang nie, mane tau, tetibe die cakap "Warning: may induce mild psychological effects resulting in disturbed sleep, spontaneous combustion and nausea."btw slept in the living room instead. Woke up to the advertisement of The Firm. Aiyok... nothing more depressing in the mornings than to wake up to a health advertisement after admonishing yourself the day before about all the pretty clothes that you can't fit into. Well, actually there is something more depressing

Today is holiday. Whoopee!! No stress, tons of work. I'm gonna have the whole day to spend with my lovely someone....best...best hopefully she'll available and free so leh la dgr sore, rindunye tu la jauh2 lagi kan dah kena dah, but it was so much fun instead trust me..just now I was browsing through my Friendster and came upon some pictures, at somebody else's account (I haven't figured out camane nak block user gune Friendster), that made me feel like a big boulder just landed on my chest. It was as if I had a thousand knives and a thousand arrows simultaneously piercing through my heart and shredding it to pieces. Strange, how you would think you are past all of those things and yet even the dumbest things can trigger what I call the "Post-relation Cardiac". Like fare said, nak lupe, tapi kalau lupe, macam kering jadinye, so tak lupe (or something like that lah). My mom would be so mad if she finds out about this.

ok 'nuff about that, Special congrats to adik fare for appearing in the magazine(ape ntah lupa) memperagakan care2 memakai tudung dgn ayunye. And special gelak to adik raz for kantoi masuk rancangan pun ape ntah kat astro tu lupa, heheheh. Kidding sweetie, you looked fabulous, kalau betul the girl I thought was you really is you (ape jadah ntah grammar, bantai sajaaa )...*smile*..dah la tak tahu ape nak pen lagi dah messed up entries ni lantak la...
~fir~

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Jan 23, 2009

:::e.v.o.L::

assalamu'alaikum...

Burning is a more intense feeling that emptiness for those who don’t know. The burning feeling inside sometimes felt so bad sometimes that it felt like molten lava flowing inside me. This is a very severe sign of a lack of love. I’m wriitng this so that if you feel this way, I want you to know that I KNOW how it feels, that you’re NOT alone… and most especially that you know that I got better and you will too.So… sometimes I would have this terrible burning feeling inside me. I felt so awful inside, I thought I was slowly dying. One day I felt this way while I was at finnan. I knew that I needed a someone could love to hug me just for a moment....*tears* but, I’m going to be very honest with you about this one thing. It was very tough for people to love me. I was so used to being alone that I didn’t recognise their love, I didn’t know how to respond to it and I couldn’t respond back and sometimes I might also be offensive, because hurt people are the ones who hurt other people (hurt people hurt people)....

For me we should to love others too. Love others as you love yourself. I have written extensively on 'love' topics, but this post is focussing on the absolutely important need to love yourself. Not to “fall in love” with yourself, not to think you’re all that matters - but to have kindness for yourself.

For those who have the empty feeling inside, if you’re like I was, I couldn’t see the fun in life. I felt bad and wrote (or did other things) to change my mood. Read and write (and other things) helped me feel better. I did good things to change my mood too. I used to pen a LOT (I still do). I am sure that helped me become who I am. I've tried being passive and waiting for healing and usually it doesn't work. WHY? because you have to love others and they will love you back, you'll have lots of love in your life right? If you have love in your life, you’ll be less likely to look at peoples in the wrong way, less likely to be down and then over-eat or hurt yourself or hurt others. Love is healing but people like to used it for damaging their emotions and then causing them to hurt each other and be selfish....think!

Let go of those old arguments, let go of what was done to you. Forgiving will result in you letting go and moving on. Forgiving is GOOD for you because if you forgive then others will forgive you too! But even when you forgive, you don’t need to restore the relationship, you don’t have to go back into an abuse situation. Just forgive and let go and move on. Onwards and upwards!...

~love me when I'm gone~

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::efil ym fo yenruoj:::




assalamu'alaikum...

Sometimes not even sure where I am and my heart's pulling me towards something big. I can feel it.

Have you seen Donnie Darko?

You know the little invisible trails that show you your predetermined spot.It feels like I can FEEL mine..but I don't know where they're leading...this is giving me a huge urge to just sporadically try many things to see if it relieves the tug towards something.. but that might just be wasting time. I'm not sure.just feeling odd. maybe I should sleep....*sigh*

wasalam.....

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Jan 20, 2009

thank you...












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Jan 11, 2009

I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying..Pray for us...

assalamu'alaikum...

It is a cliche to say "I love you." But the fact is, I do love my someone. A lot. We've been through a lot together, we enjoy being together, and we're a great team...How do I love my someone? In so many ways…


I love how I never want to write about my love for her because I know that I can never say it just the way I want to. And how I know that I still wouldn’t be able to say or write it the right way even if I was more gifted than Shakespeare. How words can never tell the story of my love for her. Because words have boundaries.


I love how she holds me and asks me what is wrong when I don’t know how to say what is wrong. When all that is wrong is that the world just got a little bit too heavy. And that all I need is her arms around me to make me feel safe and strong again.



I love how I listen to that stupid Hero song of Enrique and cry because I just want to be her hero. I just want to wipe away the tears. I want to kiss away the pain. I just want to stand by her forever. Because she always takes my breath away.

I love how she pretends to need me even though she is so much stronger than me. I know she doesn’t climb mountains. She will make the mountains come to her. And that they will just obey.

I love how she speaks with a “little voice” when she asks me “why you hurts me?” And how I know there will be a little something in there for me.

I love how she laughs and shakes her head and says “What am I going to do with you?” whenever I make one of my suggestive comments. And how I do it just to hear those words.

I love how I try to be funny and tell silly jokes and how I peep at her to see if she is laughing. And how I carry on until I see the beauty of her smile. And the happiness in her laughter.

I love how she wanted me even though she could get anyone she wanted. And how she stays with me even though she can get anyone she wants.

I love seeing her walk and watching her when she doesn’t know I am looking. And how I still have to build up the courage to ask her out.

I love how she eggs me on to go play with the girls even though she knows it will drive her crazy.

I love how she holds me and looks into my eyes when she tells me that she loves me more.

I love how she phones me 4 or 5 times a day even if I can only take a call or two.

I love how she puts her hand on my leg when we go for a drive.

I love how she believes in me even when I have my doubts.

I love how I know real love because of her.

I love how she loves me.
I love how I love her.
I love her.

I love how I can write another million words and still not tell you how I love my someone.



........wasalam.........

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Jan 1, 2009

Journey to the North...."this is our Faith"

assalamu'alaikum...

A lot of things has happened over the weekend, personally on me (wha...? talk later...), btw Iwan and I headed to the north( Sg Petani) to do something besides the sight-seeing. It was pretty awesome, considering that before this, my only views of SP came from either a car window or a bus window. It was really, really a city, where there are a lot of new and nice buildings and everyone drives like a maniac. We went down sp north city, which separates the north and the south part of SP, and we went down small town where all the people were hanging out ( I told Iwan, are we in KL? I thought SP just look like a Cowboy's town ). We saw the TESCO where they had a shopping going on and we could see all of the people sitting in coffee shop. We saw a lot of the things that I thought only saw in KL : Old town white coffee, Chennai curry House, Pantai Medical Centre and supprisingly a lot of shopping mall and basically is a modern city Center, my fingers are numb from typing too fast. Let's just say we say a lot of buildings. Hang on.

Okay.. moving on...my someone grew up in SP, so I got a nice history lesson too along the way. It's pretty cool, I didn't realize that SP was quite that old. I was pretty impressed. They also had a lot of construction going on. Every corner we turned, there was some sort of a building coming up, but the traffic still consider ok compared to KL..

Time to be vague... people, stop reading right now 'cause I'm gonna stop making sense.

wasalam....

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new hope...new rules...


assalamu'alaikum...

To all my faithfull reader a new year may bring us both anticipation and anxiety for the unexpected. I hope your new year has started out with giving you inspiration and ideas for what's to come through you, your different way of engagements and the people around you this year. I am very impressed by all the people and blogs I've come across this past year and I just wanna say, Keep up the good work! My new year's had a good start. Though 2008 ended with feeling quite tired from a hectic December, it now makes me even more excited about going to study with new strength and joy for 2009.

I feel like I've done the career/work side of thinking about things. I guess I really kicked off the new start for myself when I started up a big event 1 month ago - I feel like even though I'm taking a bit of a chance with things, I have made the right decisions, and hopefully it will be good for me in the long run. New Year almost always inspires more personal musings in me, especially following a year when I feel like I haven't necessarily done the best for myself *sigh*

2009 for me, was not an amazing year to be frank. I had allot of ups and downs when it comes to jobs, books and such, and basically it could have gone better. My hope is, that 2009 will go slightly better and wishing to all of you the best of luck this year.....

~fir~

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