Fahr Farms Inc.

Mien again, Though today is pretty slow day for me plus with the fuckin "Bold Meeting"....and ada test plak tuh!,holy crap! I managed to pass the damn bold test even though I seriusly thought I failed it and was gonna have to take it again...ahhh!!!! but tonight isn't the subject..

Things are pretty quiet now in my life, aside from work, sleep, eat and worrying about money, I really have nothing going on. I made my credit cards payments just now, planned a budget for upcoming charges (and hopefully a trip to ***) and decided that I'm in pretty good shape. As my days seem to be calming down and I've settled most of my account stuff (feel bad for adding work for someone else now that I know how much work really is)....thankee mahyudd...

Sometimes I miss having someone around to just talk with. Nadeen and I used to talk a lot during the evenings when we got back from work. It was nice because I can just ask her and pop in to say"nak balik sama", and we would just vent out whatever stress that we had to each other. To the rest of the world she was this quiet, serious looking girl but to me she was this funny person who listened to what I had to say and never failed to put a funny spin on things so that in the end, all of the complicated things in my life that was bringing me down, didn't seem so complicated anymore.

A friend once told me "Just because they're not there doesn't mean you'll ever forget ". And I haven't, not for a single day. Nadeen was my comfort zone, people who I know I can tell anything and it won't up being blabbed to everyone, and in return I offered my friendship and whatever comfort and help I can give whenever I can. I guess in a way I hid behind her, took comfort in needing and being needed. Now that the screen is gone, what is left is me, and to learn how to function and operate in this new environment I was thrust in is just a concept that is too hard for me to comprehend right now, or maybe ever.

Almost 2 months had passed and I still haven't really found anyone like her, and most likely never will. In a way I'm being forced to be with me, to look at me and to come to terms with who I am and what defines me. I keep myself busy with work and acquiring new material things and sometimes writing :) , but while that would fill my days, when I lay on my bed at night, I'm still left with tonnes of memories and a huge gap in my heart.

Maybe I'm feeling extra melancholic because Nadeen I used to shared many things together. Sometimes it just didn't seem fair that I'm still here and she not, though I try to push those kind of thoughts away since I know what was decreed by Him is law and just. However I'm willing to admit that I'm afraid to die, and I am glad that my time isn't here yet. I don't want to leave before I've made some kind of mark and did some kind of good.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff. See? See what writing all these superfluous is doing to me?? I'm sitting here in front of my laptop with no better thoughts in my head than thinking about my toaster taking over the world. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TOASTER! holy crap!, I'm turning into an oxymoron, which is soooo much worse than your normal everyday moron. Oh well... moving on....

-fer-