Sep 29, 2008

It's only Fir...until someone get hurts...

dear,


I would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya with thousands apologize, this raya it's cruel to watch you being hurt while am just sho busy with my stuffs and preparing for my upcoming journey. Am still I am. Something I still can't decide. And I want to say that it's not always easy - but it's simple that way and I want to stay and play it out, but I still have my doubts and beautiful things can never stay the same way. Actually you never deserved anything like this.

I want you to know the journey that I choose, need me learn how to be alone and independent, my new place(if) might be my sanctuary, where by I can't simple ask for help from anyone, I shouldn't not depend on anyone unless it is a life and death situtation. I hafta to deal with my sadness alone. In fact, I will cry if I have to and not feel less if I do. Am still worry less something that is not sure to happen. I will accept that I am indeed sad but I will not put up a facade of sadness....

I have/had/will hurt you so much in the timelines, again orang memohon kemaafan because I destroyed your dream. I am saying this way ahead of time too. I hope you understand that I need to this, because it's been quite long time and am still not in any values.

Anyway, I would like to say thank you for loving me the best possible way and I’m sorry that you’re hurting too much right now. But that’s life it’s complicated but beautiful. Everyone has to move on. Right now I’m miserable but I’m taking everything one step at a time…I guess I need to face the reality that I am fir.

::Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin:::

~from fir with endeavor~

comments (1)

Sep 28, 2008

Look to a Fer for the true magic of Hari Raya...



Assalam'ualaikum....

Looking back over the hari raya of my past, I realize that my Hari Raya have not only evolved, but have taken on various lives of their own.

For me, Raya was it, the ultimate in a my kid's life, the day we all waited once a year for that day to arrive. My parents didn't have a lot back then, but every Raya there were some new baju melayu or baju kurung that for sure, along with family gatherings, gift giving,duit raya, and off course with the Malay tradition of eating all day long, were all a part of our Raya ritual.

When my adult years arrived, Raya seemed to have lost bits and pieces of its original luster. The duit Raya will be outward instead of inwards, no more the balik kampung traditions, the whole raya's thing, for whatever reason, seemed to have taken a nosedive. As of now when became a huge family I guess Raya took on new life, new hope, a home of our own to lovingly decorate and more importantly, precious relative or new family members to lavish raya on and infuse its spirit into. Sharing Raya with my entire family members not only allowed me the joy of giving them some things they truly wanted, it also allowed me to feel the magic I once felt what seemed a million years ago. Photos of happy, excited children in soft and "sesi bermaafan" are always close at hand to elicit those fond memories. However Raya tradition requires to make it all come together just the way you want it but not all tradition continued... :(

I believe there really is "no place like home for the Raya," just like the tradition says. The warmth of family and friends offers us a sense of belonging somewhere special. But for magic, look to a kids to provide it. And definetely for the light of the spirit of Raya can truly be seen in the innocence of a kid's belief, one that has not yet been tarnished by life's ups and downs. And that light, when recognized by an adult longing to see it, is dazzling, scintillating and absolutely spectacular.

Dear All,

During these last days of Ramadan, saya nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin to semua orang, tak kisah lah kenal or tak kenal, kalau saya ade ter cakap, terbuat salah silap, maaf kan ye. To err is human, to forgive divine. Haa.. especially mende yang terambik, termakan, terminum, halalkan lah. Last days of ramadan nie banyak berkat die, tak advantage of it :) (advice for me, too, tak sangke Ramadan dah nak habis). May all of us have a blessed life, filled with hope, joy and laughter.

~from fer with tugging~

comments (0)

Sep 25, 2008

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 3.....



Assalamu'alaikum........


I am just so, sick and tired right now, me missing my itty-bitty blog sho mush...wah!!! lama tak updet. Honestly nothing really good to pen. Today I woke up damn 0700..and the sun is already up too. Hullo mr sun maybe to day I'll see you more than just a couple of hours. All I wish to crawl myself back to bed and sleep till tomorrow comes. But then again, I have to go to office to. Yuck! reminds of that piece of song.... "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, it's only a day away"... except in my case, replace the word love with hate , and the singer has an expression about as happy as a dead chicken. Anyway, my stomach feels like it's been punched repeatedly, and it was hard to eat anything yesterday. Or maybe that's more due to the fact I was sick rather than heart-sick. me need to pray a lot and need some extra guidance right now....:s

aihh..I'm 26, and it's kinda a downer realizing that the earliest I can think about settling down would be in my late 20s, going on to 30s. There's just so much I have to do, so much that I need to accomplish before I can concentrate on having my own family, my own little girl and little boy. Put that with my own girl-related paranoia, it is not a great subject for me. The question "How's your love life?" always gives me the Fake-Smile Cardiac , where I would feel bile coming up my throat and I would paste a fake smile on my face and say some stupid random thing. Just because I'm not ready, doesn't mean that I don't privately wish that I'm settled in that department, safely engaged or married. Couples' promises mean nothing to me, I've seen a couple's relationship, which lasted a decade, just dissolve in front of my eyes in a period of a few weeks. I've seen (and had) promises broken and tears flow and dreams shattered. Dating, at the least, brings companionship for a few hours, and at the end of the day it's still just you. Even that is better than not having time to date instead. Oh well....

Yeah, those are some reaaaaaallllly depressing thought, I seriously need a new hobby, or at least have time to go to the gym and forget about stuff. That might be good. I'll do that....crap!..Am just thinking to write another books " the girl and the cockcroach" ermmm another crap for me!!hahahahahahahaha....

Mar your wife just like an excellent politician's wife because she obsessed with the guests. It's always "makan lah lagi" or nak air lagi"? or sume benda cukup tak"?. keskeskes politician's wife please....jgn mare!!!

Me wishing that I can just click my heels and be transported to where ever I want too.....daaa!

~from fer with flu~

comments (2)

Sep 17, 2008

FerAche....


Assalam'ualaikum..

Today was pretty much wasted at work for me. I had a headache in the morning, which fortunatey got better in the afternoon. I haven't been sleeping well lately, or eating well either, it's a little hard to be healthy under these circumstances. I hate being sick so many times that I just not fit enough for work.*sigh*

Life isn't supposed to be fair, yes, but it's not suppose to suck like this either. On a not so bright note again... I think I'm coming down with the flu. Hopefully it'll go away by the time for raya eve... My headache is going on overtime right now, so maybe I should stop tapping on my keyboard and go to sleep. But before I do, here's the lyrics to a song that I totally adore, it's so cool. It's by plain white(hey there delilah), one of my favorites sebab suare die ade relax sket, hahaha.... Lyrics has a weeeeeee bit story of my life in it, 'cause what can I say , that is truly, just messed up....



Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me 4x
What you do to me

Hey there DelilahI know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath awayI'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me 4x

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way

Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want t
oHey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me 4x
What you do to me

~from fer with ache~

comments (0)

FerkeinStein...

Assalam'ulaikum....

Continuous from *I keep forgetting stuff even though I was thinking about it 5 seconds ago. *
I realized that I seem to be spacing out more frequently than usual, and that scares me, I mean...

scenario 1: I was in the living room, decorating my hari raya card when I wanted to get stamps from my desk for the envelope. I paused my DVD player, got up, got into my bedroom, and for the life of me couldn't remember what I wanted to get. I had to stand in my bedroom for about 10 seconds before I realize what I wanted.

scenario 2: I was writing my book that I needed draft at least 2 0r 3 pages. So I rummaged through my backpack for a pen, took out my notepad... then couldn't remember what I wanted to write. This soooo happened! I had to glance around my room to see if I can remember anything. Good thing I saw the book materials, it jogged my memory enough for me to remember what I wanted to write.

scenario 3: This night, I boiled some water because I needed to make this horrible tasting tea that I need to take with some supplementary (ironically enough, it's for physical and MENTAL well-being). I haven't taken tea for quite some time now, and the medication, and it's been weeks since I used my kettle. I plugged the kettle in, went into my bedroom to straighten my bed and put some clothes on, and promptly forgot about the kettle. While that seemed normal, when I heard that whistling sound (y'know, the one that indicates the water is done?), I couldn't figure out what made the sound and when I did find the source, I couldn't remember why I boiled the water in the first place. I had to walk around the room straightening out stuff before it finally dawned on me about the tea...

I mean, I've heard of absent-mindedness, but this is freakin' ridiculous. Seriously, this is scaring the shit out of me, I mean, I've always been a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty absent minded, but I've never had it this bad. And if you're thinking "he's remembering all the stuff that happened to him quite well, is he faking it?", rest assured that I started writing this shit at 10.30pm, and now it's 12.09am. I had to pause and alternate this and work just so I have enough time to remember everything. Besides, I'm a man, I have better stuff to fake.

Honestly, if anybody at all knows why the heck I'm experiencing this, lemme know, I'd love the input. Okay, I need to take a walk to clear my head and calm myself, I'll pen in again....
Wassalam...

~from fer with empty~

comments (1)

Sep 16, 2008

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 2.....

assalamu'alaikum...

I'm currently pretty regular updating my blog even though nothing to report...eh tadi saje2 lah check my friends friendster saje nak tgk pics baby terbaru dia...tetiba nmpak kat korner yg tulis Top Network Searches tuh. Tgk la ape dorang cari....:

1. nokia N series
2. wan nor azlin
3. selak kain
5. terlondeh baju
6. agak besar
7. isterimu isteriku jua
8. akan ku cuba
10. lemas ku dalam dakapan
11. zila bakarin
12. zaid Ibrahim

Bongok...time-time camni la rasa malu gan rakyat sendiri. Cari la mende lain yg ilmiah sket, kalau nak tak senonoh pun, jgn la buat kat friendster tuh(aku pun bukan baik sgt tp educated ar sket)...AdoooooIIII!!!!!

ok la shoo sleepy...me need to rest and bangun awal or Teff 's gonna be pissed that I'm late. Ciao!...

~from fer with wise~

comments (0)

Assalamu'alaikum.....


Seriously nothing to write...I just want to pen some emotional touched of mine and I was a bit overwhelming on it..I hate when I treated my blog as my personal diary.....sheeshh!!!! thing was..I didn't realized a lot of people try nak contact me actually,especially kengkawan yg study dolu tak kira la kat manapun even tpt belajar yg I was drop out pun, mostly all of you da tahu I preferred to be alone betul tak? I do appreciates for those trying to do so...but except one. One person who surprised me beyond reason sebab tak dengar kabar berite langsung. Takan lah nak tunggu sampai I sendiri dah tak de ker baru u nak contact :( . I do not ask for your pity, or even your compassion, tapi entahlah, when u didn't contact me at all, I was a little hurt. Sebab maybe if the situation is reversed, and you were in my place, I would've tried to contact you and made sure you were okay. Then again, that's just me (and the rest of our friends).

There, I got that out of my system. Pikir-pikir balik, biarlah. Besides, I'm not alone, I always have Allah guiding me through life(walaupun kadang2 lalai), giving me the greatest love of all. I have my loving family, my selfless, my gurlfriend and compassionate friends, and I have the whole of world reading what I wrote about..., I have friends and colleagues who understand, and most of all, What more can a person ask for? *sigh*...

My biggest fear: to chase all the material stuff in my life (a study abroad-as soon as I decide which I can actually be happy doing-, working in the europe, coming back home and securing my place at home so that I can take care of my mom and dad) and one day, wake up, realize I'm 45, and think "Shit, I forgot to get married and have a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty baby. omigosh!!!!

I'm a little sleepy right now after berbuka and stuff....and so, do excuse the grammar mistakes and enjoy reading :) !

Wassalam...

~from fer with whelm~

comments (0)

Surveys with...nothing LoL

I'm currently trying to schedule an appointment with KWSP people, but the damn system put me on hold... for the last 3 minutes. That's long, man... I can crap my pants right now, and the crap would turn to dust... and I'd still be holding the phone, waiting for that special moment in time when someone at the other end would pick up and say "Good morning, KWSP, how may I help you?" ... You can start helping by buying me new pants, that's how, and maybe pencil me in to see a goverment officer while you're at it. By the way, while I'm typing this... I'm still holding the phone...

I'm too grumpy and sleepy to write anything really good right now, but I was at someone blog, and I just thought I'd put this in for fun:

Bold everything that is true!!...

01. My hair is still its natural color
02. I have yet to lose my virginity
03. I get annoyed when I don't get to finish telling a story.
04. I like to wear adidas stuff
05. Sometimes I wish I could do something really, really amazingly well.
06. I drink a lot of water.
07. I've never taken a hit of a drugs.
08. I like writer.
09. I'm such a health freak.
10. I love taking pictures.
11. I have really tiny wrists.
12. I can identify some close friends by smell.
13. I'm far too nice.
14. I hate when people confuse "your" and "you're"
15. I think dorkiness is attractive
16. I've never had a fake screen name
17. I wish I had a pug.
18. I miss middle school.
19. I have pretty good eating habits.
20. I have a hard time making up my mind sometimes.
21. I wish my hair naturally curled. 2
22. I can't live without chapstick.
23. I wish I could sing
24. I like classical music. It's not bad.
25. Striped pants are hot.
26. I think fahr is a really cool name.
27. I usually don't get sarcasm. (yes I do... in fact I contributed to some)
28. I wish I could look in a mirror and constantly be satisfied with myself.
29. I shift between being sleepy and awake when I'm really tired.
30. I hardly ever vaccum. Meaning I personally don't vaccum, other people do..
31. I hate racism and nazi's. ( no...hitler is awesome)
32. I want someone to hold me.
33. I like watermelon flavored things.
34. I'm a snob about grammar. (heck! I failed english)
35. I am a terrible liar (nope, actually really good it at, it's just that I don't do it often.. anymore )
36. Rexona deoderant smells WONDERFUL
37. I wish I knew how to speak in Italian.
38. I tried to kiss a member of the opposite sex when I was in kindergarten.
39. I am learning to be happy wherever I am.
40. I have no idea what my school musical is about.41. I appreciate honesty. honesty is the best policy (probably why I stopped lying in the first place).
42. I need a manicure.
43. I love Dr. Pepper.
44. I twirl my hair.
45. I like kissing (*sigh*)
46. i don't own a cellphone
47. I want to learn to play the harp.
48. I'm not old enough to vote.
49. I live in the past far too much.
50. I need to remember to be a teenager sometimes ( some of these don't apply, hello I'm 25)
51. I want to see most of the world. 52. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in other parts of the world.
53. I hate being lied to.(Having things hidden from you ain't no picnic either)
54. I believe in a thing called love.
55. I go shopping usually once a week.
56. Today is Wednesday.
57. I've read more than a 100 books.(heck, I own not more than 25)
58. I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
59. I like feet.
60. I like getting compliments.
61. I want the world to see me.
62. I think it's funny when girls wear so much makeup that their faces become incandescent.
63. I hate seeing kids that think they're different because they like Slipknot and shop at Hot Topic.
64. I have a fear of wearing too much perfume.
65. I wear pants more than I wear shorts (Nope... I love shorts)
66. I am tactful most of the time.
67. I'm afraid of spiders
68. I get too attached to some people.
69. I'm usually on time.
70. I forgive but I don't forget. (the forgiving part is hard enough)
71. I think way too much for my own good
72. My current relationship is teaching me a lot.
73. I like salads from McDonalds.
74. I read for at least two hours every night before bed.
75. I talk to a lot of people I don't like because I hate being rude.
76. I talk to myself in the shower.
77. pretty girl turn me on.
78. I wish I were asleep.
79. I love Reeses peanut butter cups.
80. I never have enough energy.
81. I have a friend who has an outtie bellybutton.
82.I have driven a car.
83. There is no nailpolish on my nails.
84. I am unafraid to change, but I don't think I realize the boundary between change and utter transformation.
85. I wear brown, thin-rimmed glasses.
86. Goodbyes make me sad.
87. Cold Stone is so much better than Baskin Robbins
88. I love cuddling. (it's just so sweet)
89. I run when I'm bored. (I wish, girl)
90. I wish I were more attractive to others.
91. I worry too much sometimes about what people think.
92. I'm a billion times better than I was in junior high school.
93. Compliments make me happy.
94. I like long car rides with certain people.
95. I HATE when people incorrectly label me. in general, i hate labels
96. I wonder a lot who I'm going to end up marrying.
97. I listen to the things no one else cares about.
98. I can't draw from imaginiation.
99. TyPiNg LIeK diS anNoyes mEeeh.
100. This took too long Grrr...

makan orang...

Wassalam...

comments (0)

Sep 13, 2008

updet....updet..adoi!!!


Assalam'ualaikum...

So we've been fasting for a little over a week now. Having the first day or Ramadhan align with Sept 1st makes it easy for me to remember things :) All in all...Everyone loves Ramadhan, I think the fasting month is just so rewarding. You're just sooo focused on your work and all the important stuff, and you're more calm and collected and you don't damn quite.. as.. much...

I'm sorry I haven't been updating my blog(again 3 days jer), I've been kinda busy(jwpan Std). And when I'm not busy I'm just basically glued to the laptop and concentrate on my writing, (a husband's duty).Yes I do love my own belleslettres (tak kisah ler hampeh ke tak hahaha)...My living room still looks like a bomb zone I think I'm gonna have to concede to getting rid some of my stuff, so if anyone in KL is reading this and they want a chair, a table or this wheely thingy that you put microwave on, lemme know..

Kak Nor and Abang Besar(sblh umah) have been selling food/drink lately due to Ramadhan, so I've been stuffing myself with some really good stuff, like soya bean, and today I had biryani. Yum... biryani. Yum... Soya drink....... life has been good to my tummy lately, but lousy to my waistline. Dang it, I'll never get my figure from high school couples year back, hahahaha. Oh goodness, that sounds so ridiculous! oh well...

I'm prbably gonna end up working in an office for the rest of my life(if pergi study erk), I might as well do something meaningful and something I can be proud of right now. If I can do something that would mean anything to at least one person, big or small, I would be the happiest person ever.

Dang! eh far thanks for the yankees sweater lupa plaks nak ckp dah kat sebulan terima, like it sho mush even though am not yankees's fan. hahahah. So how ramadhan in Seattle, I mean you *just* came out of summer, so the days are still longer than the nights. It's pretty damn annoying right!! hahahaah...are you coming back this raye?.Btw Mar dah intvw kt Petronas(sori Mar tak leh simpan rahsia) seems he fits into the job descriptions.hahaha..dah boring jadi geologist kat states katernye..so thinking to come back...weird!!! ok2 enuf for kroni part.the end!

Ok I got to go...see ya on the flip side..*currently I keep forgetting stuff even though I was thinking about it 5 seconds ago*
~from fer with just~

comments (0)

Sep 9, 2008

FeRfect Stranger.....


assalamu'alaikum.....

I'm so confused right now, I hate when I have to make tough decisions like this... kadang rasa mcm I want to study abroad but sometimes I thought don't even think about it. aihhhh!!!! but for now fortunely every stage tu lepas, and by now I make an arrangement with some people in dublin, especially to help me untuk cari rumah sewa and stuff like that. Sounds serius yeah! but for me still not sure what am suppose to do. Do I makes a right decisions? I dont't know. Actually there's so many things that I want to see or to do while I'm young, and so many things I want to learn, and even though I'm physically and mentally tired all the time plus with 1-20 issues I have to care about. btw I still have a time until end of this year to decide any posibilities. Again basically it sucks (really it does) when you basically do not have a lot of resource to do this.

For instance, I have to say I'm regretting a lot patutnya I'm be able to abroad after Spm1999, but I made horibble decisions. I'll fix this, I always do. Hopefully I'll be able to fix this soon, or else I'm gonna be worried for the rest of the career and I'm already depressed enough as it is. *Sigh*....

I chatted with a few friends I said mostly people tgh keje keras save duit sebab nak kawin, and I don't have that purpose to motivate me working. And klu lah betul dpt further study tak kisah if I hafta to work as a part time cleaner ker I would have gladly taken a that job as long as it meant that I would earn money and indirectly gain some real hard job experience. But It's not really even about the money, actually. It's more than that people...sometimes it took everything I had to keep me from crying about this dream (abroad). And I have to say the fact that some of my friends was laughing and making jokes with this. And guys, actually I cried so much at the first place, even I was laughing with the jokes. I believe by the time I don't have much in me to cry again.

I've been feeling strange lately .... like really strange. Can't really elaborate why. But it's definitely strange. The heart wants what it want when it wants .... and right now what I want, I cannot have. *Sigh* ... nak kawin balik kampung tanam jagung pun tak boleh. LoL. Adoi... hold on a sec.. brb...I just hate being strange!!

~from fer with strange~

comments (2)

Sep 8, 2008

three months to Go.......

Assalam'ualaikum....



Aihhh!!! Baru balik kerja just to rest my hands a bit, my finger has this pen identation that came about from holding my pen for the whole day. So I decided to abuse my fingers another way: by typing in random stuff to update my blog.

Tonight spending in my room by my lonesome, reading a few BOOKs and basically devouring everything in sight. I'm just in my down time, relaxing a bit before all the craziness of life starts.huh!....mls gila nak terawih....errrr!!!

Anwyway, today is kinda hectic at work. Can't wait to go home and get some shut eye. I almost missed work this morning. Thank goodness I got here on time (somewhat) ... or at all. It's a little hard when you wanna have it all: work, social life, blogging, etc.... aihh! tak tau what to write anymore...better stop!!!!

I was watching TV when I realized that I was actually missing someone really badly. Wherever you are, you're always in my thoughts hon :) ....

dang! lupa laks...btw thanks Ita your song really made my day....and I played the song back to back.like it very much..and tanya aku nape sedey2 erk??...ermmmm.....my answer is "takda pape"....ok2 nak nyayi ni..(zeta mesti org yg tension if you read this!!) hhahaha mood raya sket...sorey zeta!!!!

Termenung ku sendiri
Memendam rindu tidak menentu
Kasih suci murni yang kita bina
Hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya
Hati sayu mengenang dirimu
Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku
Seolah cintaku tak berharga

Apakah suratan
Aidilfitri satu titik akhir
Sekian lama bercinta
Kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon
Sekiranya aku yang berdosa
Pulanglah ku merindui mu sayang
Ku menanti dengan hati rela ( jiwa raga ) ade ke bunyi camni...

Pulanglah kepangkuan ku oh...
sayangKu menunggu mu di hari raya...oh...oh..oh...

~fer~

comments (1)

Sep 6, 2008

Fer Pen With......





Asslamua'alaikum....

I haven't updated in a about 3 days jer, in fact. Been really busy lately(designed nin punyer web and yee punyer too) , but things has been weird. Now I'm back to reality, things had gotten a wee bit outta control. The things supposed to be easy turns out has a matter that I can't seem to find a way to get rid of. I've been sitting here in front of my laptop trying to pen something that could help me to find the solutions, but It's Still not. I really dont know how to write anymore, how to responds to the current situations, how to make decisions,...aahhh!! Crap! What I want!!!!

Know what I want? For now I want to run away to a place where I don't have to feel any pain, be it physically, emotionally or mentally. I want to run away to a place where you can breathe everything good and all the bad things are far, far away. I want to be where things are simple and simple to see, where you don't miss anything and everything is what you want it to be.

I want to be at a place where I can love and be loved in return. I want to be somewhere peaceful and quiet no one take anything for granted.. including me. I want to be at a place where saying nothing at all is equal to saying everything. I wanna be where the sun shines bright and the moon is brighter, where a smile is "Hello", a handshake is "I like you" and a kiss is "Be mine". I want to be at a place where I can have everything, only to realize that I actually need nothing.

Actually, all I want right now is to be free of everything.. free of responsibilities, free of pain, free of the expectations that as an adult, I have to act a certain way and I should feel a certain way or else I'm not mature enough or I'm not a good person .... or even worse, not good enough. Especially when I know probablyI'm a good person and a good friend and a good son.

Sadness overcomes you, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? So I'm just gonna do what I have to do, **** everyone who don't like the methods.... :s

~from fer with regards~

comments (1)

Sep 2, 2008

ferAway to go....

Assalamu'alaikum...



Omigosh, I haven't updated for quite some time now. Sorry for that, been busy lately. Actually, I still have a bunch of stuff to do for this last week and this week, but I decided to take a break and pen in some stuff before people start complaining again, hahaha. Shut your yappers. If you read my previous entries I decided nak withdraw my dream to study abroad kan?. One of the reason because I do not want to bust my brain. That day I thoughts I just want to concentrate in my life and makes everybody happy. Another things senarnnya malas gila nak change University,lagi2 nak sit for the placement test ARghhh!!! tak sanggup...Sucks! and beberapa hari lepas post entries kata nak withdraw study tuh , banyaknye received emails tanya WHY I want to do that and bla bla bla...., I honestly apperciate the thoughts tak kiralah thru email or comment, tapi unfortunely tak larat nak balas all the emails that I got. Sorry Yer, but thank you so much for your thoughts and concern, Allah je yg dapat balas. But I'm touched that so many people took the time nak bace the entries and then email me to show support.

Anyway, my IELTS preparation is going on pretty slow. My fault, of course, I've been busy with other stuff, lately, to be exact, I've been busy with work and personal stuff. It's supposed to be an easy score at least 5 or 5.5 (tp englishku mcm hampeh!but I'll try my best) and I do not want to mess up and I'm determined to do well, regardless the fact that my Cikgu Englishku is a tad bit more fussy than my school teacher. Never fear, I will prevail. Btw tmorw is the test I should be freaking out more but I'm not, and that's kinda worrying because I know the exam is gonna be hard... plus I have to think about work and something...... So I really should be bucking down and studying, but unfortunately, I'm not. Uh oh....!!!

Wish I have that kind of attitude for everythings. Amazing, there are this that I just wanna give up, but lo and behold, suddenly everything makes perfect sense. And while that's supposed to make me happy, it doesn't, because then I'd feel like the challenge is over and I have nothing to look forward to. Ah, humans, we're never satisfied with anything.

I'm just so confused right as to what I wanna do right now!. As of now I really wanna do is go to study abroad. I want it so bad, it hurts. But looking at my preparation, it's average at best. And I really want it. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I don't want to sound too much like Gloomy Gus(muram), but that dream seems to be further from my reach day by day. we'll see how everything goes.......

dear someone that I hurt,
I think I screwed up everything. I really bad when I told you that I won't be able to make any decision. I was only being truthful, I have exams coming up and will barely be in my right mind to make any personal-related decisions. Seriously, there's some serious stuff we have to discuss. And I just need more time. Considering that I need to make decision quickly. Also the fact that I was horrible at making decisions...later

mar, did you call me? The voice mail was pretty bad, I had no idea what you said.

~fer~

comments (2)

Aug 31, 2008

RamaDhan Againts MerDekaDone......

Assalamu'alaikum.....


Selamat Berpuasa :) !!!! May Ramadhan brings us many many many blessings, cherished memories and a chance to redeem ourselves and come out better people. Honestly, me head (and tummy) has not registered that it's the fasting month. Hopefully this year I'll be able to do better than I did before this. Dang! forgot something Hapey Merdeka day! (thats all) more story...

Yesterday was interesting in a bad way. Gone dinner with my family officially to celebrate my sis birthday.(happybirthday! I wont tell much about her because she don't even know I have this blogs hahahah becoz I'm worried she gonna comment too mush!) .Lol Today was interesting in a bad way. I am so drained. My chest feels like someone's poking it with a hot pin and then squeezing my heart really, really hard. Sleep didn't come easy, my head isn't in in any values, and all I wanna do is curl in my bed and go to sleep.

I had a serius talked with my father this morning about to study abroad..but Ahhh!!! Malas nak komplen pasal pape we'll see, Ramadhan is starting and I should be happy :) . And in a lot of respects, I am. I just... wish some other things would fall into place too :) .

~from Fer with drain~

comments (2)

idiots FerCisions.....

Dear All,
Officially I want to announce I wouldn't to study abroad, I don't think it would have been possible for me to further my studies due to certain circumstances. This is very hard decision for me which I have to decide should or shouldn't. Now I'm truly written with mortification because again I have to refuse the given opportunity. My Cikgu englishku if you read this, it will be a huge disppointment for you. I really want to say thank for your assistance. I dont know where I would have been without you. You changed my life, emotionally as well. I was glad to be your student, so thank you and keep up the good teaching. May God richly bless you!
Dear Puan Sharifah Hayati,
If you read this too, you might say "I never changed", I do appreciates for your support,guidance, thougths and always helping me all the way and making such a great upbringing to me. I won't tell you. "Why I made this decision". For me you always a "mother" wanted her boy to be one of the best and whenever I'm sad and lonesome, you always gets me to smile huh! I've never had someone other then you....again another bleak for me...I cant continue my writing anymore,....ahhhh!!! I'm Sorey!!!!!1
fer

comments (5)

Aug 29, 2008

FerMan, FerMent and FerChines...



asalamu'alaikum...


Nothing to reports, nothing thoughts.....I just want to share something nice with you...

When I was in Stockholm last a few months, I was walking down from central Station, on my way back from breakfast, when I saw this guy, who was wearing a suit, pacing in near a bus stop infront central station. First of all it was a bit weird to be wearing suit when it's freezing outside, and it's not that often you see a suited guy pacing in front of thai restaurant. So I glanced at him at looked again...and it was Big Sam, Sam Allaydyce coach of bolton and newcastle F.C. Holly Crap!. It was cool! I have to say meeting a Big Sam was a "phenomenal". Probably becoz he was surrounded by a thousand adoring EPL fans. I thought I want so say something at least hi! and shake his hand! something! But I cant because there were a throng peoples around him...But it was cool! there were a few people shouted from his car "coach you need a ride, Coach! you the best! Coach! you ma man! and people keep saying you did a good jobs! to him even though he has been sacked by NFC...aih!!!Certainly a nice, uplifting moment to share.............
God, I'm having writer's bloc. Great. I'm sure everyone reading is asleep by now... oh well... till something more interesting comes up....
Wassalam.... fer

comments (1)

Aug 28, 2008

whEn feR Rule the WorLd........

Assalamu'alaikum....

aih...seems like this week was pretty sombre and so is my writing yeah! I has written with sadness, talked abt stupidity, story about her, acknowledge someone contribution, etc...aaahhhh!! I'm broken hearted and bored out of my mind.... This is not a good feeling at all... concentrate!

huh! I really want to do more! more! and more ...ok! how about if any one of you lay me some idea or just tell me anything what you wish me to write and I'm gonna mercerize with my own mould theory...(I'm gonna pick one topic and yr privacy is guarantee)

why I want to this because...I want to "test" how good my thougths, my writing and such like that...Plus it was a great way to make new friends and get to know people. so pls drop me an email to efi_2008@yahoo.com or

~fer~

comments (2)

Aug 27, 2008

It's only natural to want attention from the ones that you love Sweetie!....

Hullo people (or hullo to myself if no one's going to read this)!! ..today I have been kinda busy. I've had rush to approving bills to, meetings to go, audit issues, books to read for , books to write for....I do like looking at websites, I'm just bad at reading other people's blogger except lindzreen blog, hahaha. I have a terminal case of jealousy, where if I read something cool that other people did, I would be happy for them, but depressed for me, because I wanna do it, too! And if I see something... hmm.... hurtful, yang tak sedap mata memandang (take it how you want to, as long as people who know me best know what it is), that would just ruin the whole day for me. If I can describe this behavior in one word, it would be obsessive. Hahaha... nuts, I sound like a complete fruitcake. I'm really not...

Aihhh!!! Sweetie...Im sorry I didn't reply your email today, Like I said I've had to many things to rush2 today...But here TONIGHT I'm gonna try to lay my thoughts or stuff like that....hmmm

For me honey, if he doesn't have a time with you then so be it. Just tell him do whatever he want to do( go with his friends..) you don't have to sweat it, becoz if he loves you so much...he'll start to miss you and want you be around, hang out with you and stuff like that. dont feel so sad, you still have someone around you right...BUT don't dont even argue with him be calm about it. see what he says.....for now you might feeling insecure or needing more attention from him. Hey Sweetie! it takes two to tango so if it is more attention you want then why not take one day a week when you plan on doing something just you and him and spoil(manja sket2 dah) him....

He will lavish attention on you if he is worth his grain of salt and will certainly come around. how about if we go to the English classical solutions, go away for the weekend somewhere, go out to dinner or even dress up really nice and either cook him a nice meal or order something nice and candles and sit at home and enjoy the meal....Follow this with dessert of strawberries dipped in chocolate. I believe if you ut in an effort to become more fufilled then if he was worth it he would definately come around....

Sweetie! Like I said dont't argue....Just tell him nicely what you told me-"that you're not trying to take away his time". and let him explain his point of view. Try to reach a compromise and settle things peacefully. What is important is that you love each other, and that you don’t want to loose the relationship.

I totally agree with you " kekayaan tak menjamin kebahagiaan" but remember " we can rent it for awhile right!"...make a choice.

Ok sweetie? I might slightly insane on my thougths and another thing that you have to remember... "great way to kill a relationship is to expect attention every single minute"

Aihhhh, I am outta stuff to write. so people and havva great day!

truly me
~fer~

comments (1)

Aug 26, 2008

truly YoUrs.....


dear you,


"There is no greater feeling than knowing that your friendship is valued simply because it's YOUR friendship, not because of the material things that you can provide or because you're a doormat and people can just walk over you"

It'll be hard, and I mean, I was really hurt over your choice of actions and in a lot of ways, I probably have to be a lot more careful now until I want to do it again, but friendships that you actually want to keep are hard to forge because of my stupidity, and I'm not a mean person by nature. I saw your sincerity, saw that you trying to do something, and mostly saw that you really CARES that I'm hurting.

That's the thing about people. I thought I'd be mad at you forever, or at least for the next few years anyway, and I thought our friendship was over and done for. However, you was earnest about mending things, and although I'm still feeling some negative emotions, I'm willing to work them out just so that I don't lose you.

To be honest I didn't make things easy for you , all I wanted to do was to run away from all the things that were hurting me and protect myself from being vulnerable over and over again, so I ignored you. I saw that you cares and you doesn't assume that given time I'd be okay, you actually made a huge effort to at least try and make things better. I truly and honestly appreciate that, in more ways than anyone can imagine. You extended the olive branch, and I have decided to take it.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being so forthcoming and open about this, that I can speak about this so candidly even though this is, in all actuality, very private for me. Here's why: I don't like it when people just assume things. Assume that I'll be okay when I won't. Assume that I'll react in a certain way when I'm more intelligent than that. Assume that since nothing fazes me anymore, nothing hurts me anymore too. People make so many assumptions about things that they know nothing about. I know this because in a lot of cases I find that I'm guilty of doing it too. So no more assumptions. I'm laying the facts down bare and naked for people to read.

The fact is I'm not mean. If you show effort, I'll definitely meet you halfway. Thing is, I need to know that what I put out is not in vain. Sometimes you just need certain confirmations because maybe something happened and you just need to know.... know that it's still worth working towards, worth hanging on to, 'cause like I said, a good friendship is so hard to forge. Of course when you have it you don't want to let it go.

I need people to know that I never, never, never take my decisions lightly. They might not be the best course of actions, and they might be more motivated by emotions rather than thought, but these decisions are mostly made because I feel like there is no other way out. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. Sometimes I act out in certain ways as a test to someone, which in many aspects is so very not fair... 'cause I'm setting up the person to fail, since you doesn't know what the "test" is or that you is being "tested" at all.

But here's the trick: for every test, there's a sure-fire way to pass ..... I need to know that you actually care. You don't have to go all-out, all I need is a small confirmation that yes, no matter how small the feeling is, you do care that our friendship now has a rift. . I need the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who actually care enough about the relationship. This is basically what's going through my head when I have a conflict with any of my close friends, girls or guys. The cause might be different, but ultimately the end result is always the same. That aside, I also know that if I'm wrong, that I am not afraid to say I'm sorry. My ego isn't that inflated. And in certain cases, I'll even apologize even when I feel I'm right just because I know the issue is important to the other person more than it does me.

But reciprocate, dammit, I'm selfish enough to expect certain things in return. Which is why when I write the journal (refer to beginning of blog), I was relieved. The state of emergency is over, Lol... well at least this one anyway. You cares enough to try. Which is all I ever really wanted, 'cause everything else can click in place if we can at least show each other that we appreciate one another. Again sorry and thank you.

yours sincerely,
firdaus

"that incident actually I had last two months with her (I'm not gonna go into details(yep! certainly I did) 'cause I know for a fact this person reads my blog and I don't wanna embarrass the both of us by being mushy LoL, plus this one is a little more private. Suffice to say ... baby steps :) ), I have to admit that my friends are really going above and beyond this time, which is a nice change of pace from thinking that no one gets you. It's nice to know that people can still pleasantly surprise you with their depth... and their perseverance...... and mostly their respect"

~fer~

comments (1)

feriAns IdiotS........


Assalamu'alaikum.....


I'm still having a miserable days lately. Uncertainty about life, in general, is never good. Uncertainty about what the hell am I gonna do if funding doesn't come through is downright killing me. How I'm gonna further my study huhuhuhhuhu.

For now I have story to write, a letter to compose, a program to clean up, practicing my english language.... but right now! I'm getting pretty regular about updating my blog ... even tho I actually have nothing to report, LoL.

A friend asked me yesterday, what I want to do with my life, what kind of a job am I looking for? I said I wanted something hands-on. I'm still young, and I think that it would be a waste for me to just sit behind a desk and just sign papers and approve things. I want to get my hands dirty. I want my life and my job to be a series of learning experiences instead of being stuck in one mode and never being able to venture out. I want to be challenged... constantly. I know I've complained a lot about things being sooooo hard for me (LoL), but this september, after being on my current job for a two years now, I realize that I am bored out of my mind. Predictability is nice for a while, but after that I just get... restless. Dammit I want to learn. I wanna go out and be useful instead of just being there ..... which is kinda in direct contrast with what I want personally. For me private life, stable and safe is definitely the way to go. No more drama, please. And talking about personal life... I'm pretty volatile right now. Not that I blow up easy, but something might bother a lot more now than it would before. I hate feeling like this, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

A friend asked me about the entry, and apparently my rant managed to make somone slightly "nervous" because that someone thinks he/she fits into that description. Well, it does fit, but it's not you honey. Weird, isn't it, how people can do stupid hurtful things to you no matter what gender they are. I've heard "Guy friends are easier to have" .... yeah right. "Girl friends are way better, they are always there for you".... well not always, apparently, and the dissapointment of realizing that your girl doesn't have your back can be quite overwhelming.

Anyway, the rest of tha day is gonna pretty dull... and I'm bored right now..

-fer-

comments (0)

Aug 25, 2008

you Made my Day Sweetie....thankee!!!!!



Assalamu'alaikum.....


Today, I've been having a miserable day. nothing to write.... By the way I would like to acknowledge Haslinifairos, thank you again for fixing my pc problems for me, you're the best and you made my life easier :)!

Here’s a couple of gems that I remembered from my tele conversations with Haslini:
(lebih kurang je la erk sbb tak bape igt)

me: I give u my tickets no: bla bla bla......my windows passwords dah kene locked banyak kali nih, I tak boleh buat kerja...I dah penat nak explain ni..
her: takpe2 I tgh check ni u tak perlu banyak ckp....(tak pasal2 kena sound)
me: ok2
her: I rasa patutnya takda masalah dah ni....u ade shut down pc u tak?
me: dah bnyak kali dah try tapi tak boleh?
her: okla i reset ur passwords then try to login again...I call u back in 3 minutes to ensure u dah in dlm rpt screen...
me: ok I shut down ni?
her: yer ( cara jawab dh stock bosan ar dgn kerenah aku)

then shut down la pc sekali lagi....lepas 3 minit she call again:

her: mcm mana dh masuk rpt screen?
me: dah2
her: yr new passwords...bla bla bla bla....selalu gan org kita senang ckp melayu jer..
me: takpe I bukan reti ckp english....tak sekolah omputih....
me: ok....dah banyak gila sy tukar passwords ni smpai tk tahu nak buat ape lagi ni....
her: buat je ape2....firdaus, nama ayah u ker...kan sedap hasanudin...
me:dah buat dah....I letak nama u je la mcm tuh?
her: eh jgn tak leh tidur karang...
me: then tak tahu nak buat ape...takpe I try jer...

then changed la the new passwords by using her name....the interesting parts was this is first time ever in my life la..use pc com passwords by using others people name...why it happened?? Crap! then solved le problems aku nih... tak lama kemudian supprisingly she call back...oh sweet!!
again:

her: so mcm mana dah ok?
me: dah thanks erk....I guna nama u jer...
her: habisla tak tidur mlm la mcm ni...I dah agak dah nama I ok....
me: thanks anyway....eh ape email u?

then.......cukup la takat tu jer korang nin!!!.....
yep! am kinda a poyo..enuf..Okay, back to reality....dont start yr fantasis.......

Thank you to all for the nice responds. I really appreciate all your responds and suggestions. You guys inspired me to go forward on my wirting. Once again Thank you to all.

-fer-

comments (2)

Aug 24, 2008

la jour après Premier juillet....'part two'


How many times in your life have you felt personally affronted, offended or disappointed insomeone's actions to the point where an apology seemed to be necessary? Sometimes an apology seems important at the time but the incident fades in time to the point where the incident is forgotten and the need for an apology fades with it.

Other times, it is felt that an apology is so critical that the relationship cannot continue until the apology is delivered and a suitable apology at that, not just any half-hearted apology. So apology can be simple but not always easy. The question always arises, “How do I respond to another's transgressions?” Do I pretend that I don't see it? Do I turn away from it? Do I ignore it? These are questions that we can't ignore and there are no simple answers. But if we find ourselves hanging on to negative emotions we can always make the choice to let them go.

At that moment all of it was too heavy, the weight of it all totally overwhelmed me and as I like knelt beside her, hate, anger, frustration, and bitterness filled my heart against her. when she asked for my forgiveness which I never expecting at all. I rose up my hand and ask to Allah "You've got to be kidding! it was my faults. I don't even deserve her forgiveness. That was very difficult for me! I struggled for quite awhile and try to get of the grid or I despised everything about her. Yes "people" I know, that was the beginning of the healing but rejection causes the deepest wound. The wounds caused by others to our soul are deep and very painful, especially when those wounds are undeserved. And, believe me, there will be many during your lifetime. But it wasn't her faults why should she asked for my forgiveness. I ripped her heart out betrayed our friendship and I lost the best thing ever in my life.

But what I've learned from this situation right now, forgiveness is not the hard part. The hard part is struggle that comes with every moment onwards. For now I dont know to do either. Again there were a lot questions on my mind left unanswered as to how I could ever earn her trust again? Do I still love her? Do I need a second chance? Do I want a second chance? Does she's everything I've ever wanted? or Does she's just want to say sorry and that's it?.

When I present my feelings now I just want to say sorry to her seemed to have deeply hurt by my stupidity. I'm sorry that I live to far away to truley be comfort for her. I'm sorry that she is everything I look for in a woman and a friend. I'm sorry my heart yearns at the very thought of her. For all of this I am sorry. I was an awful friend to her but the truth remain unchanged, I just was unable to hide my feelings towars her. to be continue.......

comments (1)

Time and feelings Change....


Seeing you again has made me realize many things,That times and feelings do change.Looking at you I see that you are happy inside,But still I wonder about the tears you may have cried.

Are you truly as happy as you seem to be?Or is it hesitation, and sadness I see?For whether you realize it or not I do care,And for you I will always be there.

The places have changed with time,Your friendship I hope will always be mine.We have gone separate ways,But we will still share many things in future days.

I want you to know that I am glad you are finally happy and content,You will never realize just what to me you actually meant.I know that the hurt will pass as time goes by,But to say I will stop loving you would be a lie.

For you see, my dearest friend ,You managed to break through the strongly built wall,The wall that surrounded me and protected my feelings inside,The wall that held many tears that I have finally cried.

Your presence will be missed so much in my home and heart,But knowing you are happy, makes me glad that we did part.I want you to know my friend, I will always be here for you.I will always love you no matter what you do.

When you find that you can't go on where you are, and you are unsure of what to do,Remember me and my love for you.For if you need me my friend, I will be there.With all my love and to show you how much I care.

Most of all my friend, I want you to know,That this is probably best for us both to grow,That you are there and I am here,I knew we wouldn't always be together and near.

I suppose in my own selfish way I wanted only for me,Your happiness I did not look for and see.But that has changed my friend so much now,I hope that you can see my love for you and accept it as only you will allow.

No, I don't think I will ever forget you my friend,And I know now that your leaving wasn't the end.I want you to know that when you need me and you find you might be alone,You my friend, are welcome to come back, to my love and my home.

I love you dear friend, do not cry,For I have decided to stay here, and make it and at least for myself try.We will stay in touch of this I am sure,And who knows, maybe someone else will finally mature.

Just remember dear friend, I love you and this will always remain,My friendship is yours, and that will always be the same.Take care my friend, and may your happiness grow,For I love you, and this I did so want you to know

~poem by RW edited by fer~

comments (0)

kau ilkamku.........


Assalamu'alaikum...


hahaha.. nothing to reprt this evening (maybe at night), except I wan to share this song. Took me a long search in my folder to get and finally!. Enjoy this song :) , I know I do. This is offficially one of my favorite song. "Kau Ilhamku" chewahh!!!!

I have nothing to write about today, it's been slow, I haven't been doing much work, basically slept a lot. :). Now I have to go pray and such :) .

I love my friends and family, hope you guys have the best upcoming ramadhan !

Wassalam...

to whom it may concern this special song for you;
(you know how you are)

Beribu bintang dilangit Kini menghilang, Meraba aku dalam kelam, Rembulan mengambangKini makin suram, Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah, Sedetik wajahmu muncul Dalam diam, Ada kerdipan ada sinar, Itukah bintang atau rembulan, Terima kasih ku ucapkan, Izinkan kumencuri bayangan wajahmu, Izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu, Maafkanlah oh...Andai lagu iniMengganggu ruangan hidupmu, Kau senyumlah oh...Sekadar memori Kita di arena ini, Kau ilhamkuKau ilhamku...huhuhuhuhu

I guess tonight I have something special to write....stay tune guys!!
~thankee thankee for the nice supports~

-fer-

comments (1)

Aug 23, 2008

ferBoostonthafabLane.......

Assalamu'alaikum....


Waaaahhh.... lamenye 4 hari tak tulis..sbb busy mengikuti apeal kes si russian tuh then cut and paste jer russian nye story tu mesti korang pun bosan "ape menda si fer ni buat kan?" hahahahah...(sori ler hari nie kurang ade mood nak tulis everything in English, kalau kene marah ngan cikgu englishku pun nasiblah). Anyways, kite yang kat umah nie baru baik demam yang telah berlangsung selame due hari. For two days, nak bangun katil pun cam torture, tambah dengan sakit perut yang memulas and suhu badang yang tak leh nak decide kalau die nak sejuk ke panas. Kejap pasang kipas, kejap tutup kipas, nak kesian dengan mrs kipasku tuh, baik kesian diri senirik sebab due malam tak leh nak tido, merane sorang2 sebab tanak jumpe doctor. Tang sakit perut tu lah tak tahan sebab nak gie bathroom tak leh, lan jenis sakit nye, nak baring sakit, nak duduk pun sakit. Last-last berdiri jalan keliling umah tgh malam, gie terkejutkan uncle yang ingat kan penyangak mane ntah masuk umah, nasib baik tak kene silat. Nasib baik jugak treadmill dah tak ujud dalam umah (ye ke nasib baik?) kalau tak ade jugak gune treadmill kol 3 pagi sebab takleh nak tido. Hantu betul.

Selain daripada itu(macam buat surat resmi laks ehem ehem!) lama tak tulis sbb been busy kemas2 bilik yg mcm kandang kambing. so nak re engineered balik bilik ku inin...but my new room left a lot to be desired, though, because there's no book shelf for me to put my books. That totally threw me off, since I do have a lot of books (accumulated throughout the 2 years), and now my books are laying on the floor inside their respective boxes. Definitely not cool. Oh, btw, cikgu english ku, if you're reading this blog, see, I'm writing mostly in English. See how much I love you? Hope you're having an awesome holiday.
As for me, I'm stuck here. Actually, it's a good thing. So many things have happened, I think I do need the time to get myself centered and free-up my head to prepare for the new year(awal erk?). This year, everything was rush-rush. I rushed to settle stuff, rushed to push feelings away so that I can focus, rushed to force myself to be okay about things when in actuality I didn't feel okay. Rushed to be normal for everyone else's sake except mine. Rush rush rush....

Bangun pepagi ingatkan buleh ler study utk IELTS lebey2 sket... hampeh, habuk pun tak masuk. Ngehehe... then take a break and tgk list people not in my contact list, but have me in theirs. Ade lah jugak quite a few, mase tgh dok2 ponder "pas test nak kene clean-up email, kene delete contacts yg tak....", tetibe perasan satu email me yang kinda vaguely familiar lah jugak. Pastu it hits me. Ish, org nie tak patut have me dalam die punye contact pun, actually. So selepas setahun tak memblock org secare permanent, I broke my rule and move the address to my "blocked messages" kotak. Childish? Maybe. Stupid? Hell yeah. Puas hati tak pastu? Definitely. Heheh. Diabolical minds works in twisted ways. then tengahari buat alligment keta...bleh plak stereng keta aku sengget....cuba check sikit...???

Anyway, my pre test IELTS english oral went so and so. Nak kate teruk sgt, tak jugak, but it wasn't that bad. I was very, very happy when my GSI said that my english "flows" and that I have a nice accent. Heheheheh... bangge bangge (ye lah tuh) and dia puji "exceptionally good for this level..... hope to hear you talk more in class". Wah wah wah wah.... hepi hepi hepi!!!tapi dia kata jgn terikut-ikut movie sgt. Anyway, I liked english so much I might even consider taking extra class, but we'll see :) .

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The request for Mikhail Khodorkovsky’s early release is a test for President Medvedev


From the exchange of letters between the Frankfurter Rundschau and Mikhail Khodorkovsky:

There are many versions as to why the Kremlin had you arrested in 2003 and destroyed Yukos. They say Yukos dealt too independently, controlled more than 100 members of parliament and followed its own energy policies. In a meeting with Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin in February 2003 you denounced corruption in the environment around him. When he rejected your suggestion for a Yukos pipeline to China you answered: “Vladimir Vladimirovich, you fail to understand the importance the relationship with China.” Were you brought down because you didn’t show the Czars the respect they demand?

If we leave economic interests aside, what remains is that I was socially engaged, and personally supported opposition parties financially. In the meeting with the president I gave a lecture on corruption in the highest levels of power. This lecture was the result of discussions with many people, including Kremlin authorities. Several of them had to leave the Kremlin afterwards. Those are the facts. The rest is myth. The new charges brought against me are also complete lunacy.

Do you regret not having fled the country in 2003, despite warnings of arrest?

I am sorry for other Yukos people who have also been condemned to prison, and for my family. But for me it was above all a question of my honor, of faith or betrayal, and in the end patriotism. In this situation I couldn’t just walk away.

What would you do if you were released? Be a businessman again, politician, or something else?

I have built up a great debt to my family, even if unwillingly. I would above all try and pay that back.

If Mikhail Khodorkovsky is found guilty in a new trial, he could be condemned to another 22 years in the prison camp. His lawyers have calculated this. He would then be 67 upon his release.

-posted by robert amsterdam editted by fer-

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Aug 21, 2008

two things that have made me really happy today the working day is almost ending and someone who talked about "Ireland and Sorry"...

Assalamu’alaikum……



Today didn’t go exactly as I planned. I got in to work at about 9.00am, which isn’t bad considering we have flex hours, but it would’ve been nice to come in extra early when it was quiet and just try and get most of my work done, cause after lunch time, I’m sluggish, and I just don’t wanna do anything. Then I had a briefing where pretend I got lost trying to find the room, then realized that I didn’t have the templates we were gonna discuss. Luckily enough nothing major happened.It’s kinda tough to talk about work ‘cause I have no idea what’s confidential and what’s not, but so far I’ve been very vague about stuff. Which is probably why I went on and on about the audit ‘cause that’s the only thing I can really write about without worrying about getting in trouble.

But work has been good, went lunch together with gabbie, zeta, mahyudd and shaza yesterday then also to an old friends dinner event afterwards. One would’ve thought that after seven years in an old friends school, I would’ve known better by now, luckily enough for people reading this blog, I haven’t really. LoL. But it wasn’t bad, the food and drinks were good, the location kinda sucked a bit but hey, if I have to get on the freeway just to get to a restaurant, I’d rather have it be that restaurant. Oh, in case you were wondering, we went to the TGI Fridays, near (or in) Pavillion downtown.

I realize that I don’t have time to feel bored. There’s work during the weekdays, then socials during the weekend, and at night, I’d be so pooped from all the day activities I’d go straight to sleep after fighting to stay awake for Isya’ prayers. It’s been a lil’ hectic. On the plus side, I’m better at driving around anywhere now and figuring out where things are, and also figuring out that maneuvering the freeway is the only way I can survive around here.

I'm gonna watching X-files on Saturday. Should be fun, I hope. I liked the x-files tv shows and I’m hoping the movie one doesn’t disappoint. Some of my friends also actually recommended death race, with Jason Statham and Joan Allen. I dunno, it might be worth getting to.

I’m not feeling well right now, something is making me very uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on it. To someone who talked about "Ireland" and "Sorry" I really appreciates what you've been doing but I really dont deserve your apologies...to be continue...

~fer Later! ~

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Aug 20, 2008

Михаи́л Бори́сович Ходорко́вский


October 28, 2007 - by Kim Zigfeld

If you know the name Mikhail Khodorkovsky, it probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that his lawyer, Robert Amsterdam, has published a 75-page white paper documenting a litany of constitutional violations by the Kremlin prosecutors who got his client sentenced to eight years in a Siberian gulag on allegations of corporate fraud.

But so what, right? What else would his own lawyer say?
Khodorkovsky, former CEO of the formerly enormous YUKOS oil concern (now liquidated by the Kremlin) was arrested four years ago last week, at five o’clock in the morning Moscow time, while his airplane was refueling in the Siberian town of Novosibirsk...continue.......


August 20, 2008 - by Fer

A prosecutor can almost always find some half-baked reason to indict an individual. Traffic cops, for instance, have long joked that they can ticket anybody if they watch them closely for five miles. Everybody is intrinsically a law breaker. And no, I’m not exaggerating. The spirit of the law must dominate, not the strict letter—or civilization will collapse. We will return to savagery. Human laws often contradict themselves and some are still on the books even though they have been ignored for years. Why did the Russians decide to prosecute Mikhail Khodorkovsky? Was it truly legitimate—or just an excuse to harass a “trouble maker”?

Those interested in expressing support for Mr. Khodorkovsky can visit the following website:
http://www.mbktrial.com/
~fer~

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