Jan 27, 2009

She reminds me of who I am...

Dear ain,

I love you, we had a give-and-take relationship. Expecting one another to do in return when things had been done. We had a speed bump here lately, because of the minor issues. We have dedicated to working out issues but the personality conflict hurt us so much.We see each other daily and on the surface things go well. We even have honest talks daily, hopefully working towards better times. I miss her uncontrollably.I have realized the give-and-take relationship was based on selfish motives, so I’ve learned to love unconditionally, regardless of her feelings towards me.

My someone is incredible. She has been a wonderful person, beautiful, magnanimous, and has always forgiven me for my mistakes. We are very different people, different upbringing and different experiences and as such, brings about conflicts.But seriously I want to love her more. And I think I can do so my listening to her more. I know I should do that, but keep failing in my attempts. I am accused of not listening to her and I always counter by saying I do understand. I know that I sometimes forget that simple truth. Life gets in the way. With a long distance relationship which I don’t really have an option, I be very selfish. Even if I try to hide it, it is there .But, suddenly I have have been renewed with the deep love and desire to be close to her. I don’t know what it is, it just is. She is everything to me. I can’t believe I was blind to that for so long. It is like I have crawled out of a dark cave and am being blinded by a bright light.So I will try my best to LISTEN to her, love her more and I hope the things I do will please her. There is nothing more I want in this world than for us to be happy.

I simply dedicate myself to giving her unconditional love. Now and forever!

~from fir with love~

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assalamu'alaikum...

Before I start writing, I just want to say takziah to someone who I know is going through a hard time in his life right now. May Allah always give you courage and strength to go through the rest of your days, and may He lessen the pain for you. Know that you and your family are always in my prayers.

"....knock knock knock on the door....

Except for the knocking part, that's how my life has been lately. Last week mimpi bertemakan bende yg same, except mimpi semalam yg almost mati tu. Hari-hari mimpi tema tu. Bukan mimpi yg same, tapi byk melibatkan org yg same. Sorang tuh mmg stok yg everytime mimpi je, macam nak lepuk, yg sorang tu plak complicated sket. Malam tadi mimpi ade pelakon tambahan lah pulak, tapi tak nampak org nye, dgr suare dlm phone jek. Dalam mimpi sendiri pun kene marah jugak, wat the jadah..... That's it, lepas nie nak kene bace sikit kertas side effects ubat yg tgh ambik skang nie, mane tau, tetibe die cakap "Warning: may induce mild psychological effects resulting in disturbed sleep, spontaneous combustion and nausea."btw slept in the living room instead. Woke up to the advertisement of The Firm. Aiyok... nothing more depressing in the mornings than to wake up to a health advertisement after admonishing yourself the day before about all the pretty clothes that you can't fit into. Well, actually there is something more depressing

Today is holiday. Whoopee!! No stress, tons of work. I'm gonna have the whole day to spend with my lovely someone....best...best hopefully she'll available and free so leh la dgr sore, rindunye tu la jauh2 lagi kan dah kena dah, but it was so much fun instead trust me..just now I was browsing through my Friendster and came upon some pictures, at somebody else's account (I haven't figured out camane nak block user gune Friendster), that made me feel like a big boulder just landed on my chest. It was as if I had a thousand knives and a thousand arrows simultaneously piercing through my heart and shredding it to pieces. Strange, how you would think you are past all of those things and yet even the dumbest things can trigger what I call the "Post-relation Cardiac". Like fare said, nak lupe, tapi kalau lupe, macam kering jadinye, so tak lupe (or something like that lah). My mom would be so mad if she finds out about this.

ok 'nuff about that, Special congrats to adik fare for appearing in the magazine(ape ntah lupa) memperagakan care2 memakai tudung dgn ayunye. And special gelak to adik raz for kantoi masuk rancangan pun ape ntah kat astro tu lupa, heheheh. Kidding sweetie, you looked fabulous, kalau betul the girl I thought was you really is you (ape jadah ntah grammar, bantai sajaaa )...*smile*..dah la tak tahu ape nak pen lagi dah messed up entries ni lantak la...
~fir~

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Jan 23, 2009

:::e.v.o.L::

assalamu'alaikum...

Burning is a more intense feeling that emptiness for those who don’t know. The burning feeling inside sometimes felt so bad sometimes that it felt like molten lava flowing inside me. This is a very severe sign of a lack of love. I’m wriitng this so that if you feel this way, I want you to know that I KNOW how it feels, that you’re NOT alone… and most especially that you know that I got better and you will too.So… sometimes I would have this terrible burning feeling inside me. I felt so awful inside, I thought I was slowly dying. One day I felt this way while I was at finnan. I knew that I needed a someone could love to hug me just for a moment....*tears* but, I’m going to be very honest with you about this one thing. It was very tough for people to love me. I was so used to being alone that I didn’t recognise their love, I didn’t know how to respond to it and I couldn’t respond back and sometimes I might also be offensive, because hurt people are the ones who hurt other people (hurt people hurt people)....

For me we should to love others too. Love others as you love yourself. I have written extensively on 'love' topics, but this post is focussing on the absolutely important need to love yourself. Not to “fall in love” with yourself, not to think you’re all that matters - but to have kindness for yourself.

For those who have the empty feeling inside, if you’re like I was, I couldn’t see the fun in life. I felt bad and wrote (or did other things) to change my mood. Read and write (and other things) helped me feel better. I did good things to change my mood too. I used to pen a LOT (I still do). I am sure that helped me become who I am. I've tried being passive and waiting for healing and usually it doesn't work. WHY? because you have to love others and they will love you back, you'll have lots of love in your life right? If you have love in your life, you’ll be less likely to look at peoples in the wrong way, less likely to be down and then over-eat or hurt yourself or hurt others. Love is healing but people like to used it for damaging their emotions and then causing them to hurt each other and be selfish....think!

Let go of those old arguments, let go of what was done to you. Forgiving will result in you letting go and moving on. Forgiving is GOOD for you because if you forgive then others will forgive you too! But even when you forgive, you don’t need to restore the relationship, you don’t have to go back into an abuse situation. Just forgive and let go and move on. Onwards and upwards!...

~love me when I'm gone~

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::efil ym fo yenruoj:::




assalamu'alaikum...

Sometimes not even sure where I am and my heart's pulling me towards something big. I can feel it.

Have you seen Donnie Darko?

You know the little invisible trails that show you your predetermined spot.It feels like I can FEEL mine..but I don't know where they're leading...this is giving me a huge urge to just sporadically try many things to see if it relieves the tug towards something.. but that might just be wasting time. I'm not sure.just feeling odd. maybe I should sleep....*sigh*

wasalam.....

comments (3)

Jan 20, 2009

thank you...












comments (323)

Jan 11, 2009

I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying..Pray for us...

assalamu'alaikum...

It is a cliche to say "I love you." But the fact is, I do love my someone. A lot. We've been through a lot together, we enjoy being together, and we're a great team...How do I love my someone? In so many ways…


I love how I never want to write about my love for her because I know that I can never say it just the way I want to. And how I know that I still wouldn’t be able to say or write it the right way even if I was more gifted than Shakespeare. How words can never tell the story of my love for her. Because words have boundaries.


I love how she holds me and asks me what is wrong when I don’t know how to say what is wrong. When all that is wrong is that the world just got a little bit too heavy. And that all I need is her arms around me to make me feel safe and strong again.



I love how I listen to that stupid Hero song of Enrique and cry because I just want to be her hero. I just want to wipe away the tears. I want to kiss away the pain. I just want to stand by her forever. Because she always takes my breath away.

I love how she pretends to need me even though she is so much stronger than me. I know she doesn’t climb mountains. She will make the mountains come to her. And that they will just obey.

I love how she speaks with a “little voice” when she asks me “why you hurts me?” And how I know there will be a little something in there for me.

I love how she laughs and shakes her head and says “What am I going to do with you?” whenever I make one of my suggestive comments. And how I do it just to hear those words.

I love how I try to be funny and tell silly jokes and how I peep at her to see if she is laughing. And how I carry on until I see the beauty of her smile. And the happiness in her laughter.

I love how she wanted me even though she could get anyone she wanted. And how she stays with me even though she can get anyone she wants.

I love seeing her walk and watching her when she doesn’t know I am looking. And how I still have to build up the courage to ask her out.

I love how she eggs me on to go play with the girls even though she knows it will drive her crazy.

I love how she holds me and looks into my eyes when she tells me that she loves me more.

I love how she phones me 4 or 5 times a day even if I can only take a call or two.

I love how she puts her hand on my leg when we go for a drive.

I love how she believes in me even when I have my doubts.

I love how I know real love because of her.

I love how she loves me.
I love how I love her.
I love her.

I love how I can write another million words and still not tell you how I love my someone.



........wasalam.........

comments (2)

Jan 1, 2009

Journey to the North...."this is our Faith"

assalamu'alaikum...

A lot of things has happened over the weekend, personally on me (wha...? talk later...), btw Iwan and I headed to the north( Sg Petani) to do something besides the sight-seeing. It was pretty awesome, considering that before this, my only views of SP came from either a car window or a bus window. It was really, really a city, where there are a lot of new and nice buildings and everyone drives like a maniac. We went down sp north city, which separates the north and the south part of SP, and we went down small town where all the people were hanging out ( I told Iwan, are we in KL? I thought SP just look like a Cowboy's town ). We saw the TESCO where they had a shopping going on and we could see all of the people sitting in coffee shop. We saw a lot of the things that I thought only saw in KL : Old town white coffee, Chennai curry House, Pantai Medical Centre and supprisingly a lot of shopping mall and basically is a modern city Center, my fingers are numb from typing too fast. Let's just say we say a lot of buildings. Hang on.

Okay.. moving on...my someone grew up in SP, so I got a nice history lesson too along the way. It's pretty cool, I didn't realize that SP was quite that old. I was pretty impressed. They also had a lot of construction going on. Every corner we turned, there was some sort of a building coming up, but the traffic still consider ok compared to KL..

Time to be vague... people, stop reading right now 'cause I'm gonna stop making sense.

wasalam....

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new hope...new rules...


assalamu'alaikum...

To all my faithfull reader a new year may bring us both anticipation and anxiety for the unexpected. I hope your new year has started out with giving you inspiration and ideas for what's to come through you, your different way of engagements and the people around you this year. I am very impressed by all the people and blogs I've come across this past year and I just wanna say, Keep up the good work! My new year's had a good start. Though 2008 ended with feeling quite tired from a hectic December, it now makes me even more excited about going to study with new strength and joy for 2009.

I feel like I've done the career/work side of thinking about things. I guess I really kicked off the new start for myself when I started up a big event 1 month ago - I feel like even though I'm taking a bit of a chance with things, I have made the right decisions, and hopefully it will be good for me in the long run. New Year almost always inspires more personal musings in me, especially following a year when I feel like I haven't necessarily done the best for myself *sigh*

2009 for me, was not an amazing year to be frank. I had allot of ups and downs when it comes to jobs, books and such, and basically it could have gone better. My hope is, that 2009 will go slightly better and wishing to all of you the best of luck this year.....

~fir~

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Dec 28, 2008

ermmm.....

Assalamu'alaikum....

Okay, so I've been kinda horrible in updating my page... sorry!! I've been busy lately, with big event(supprise!!) and getting sick and catching up all that other good stuff... also the abundance in work. Funnnn....

Anyways, it seems to be break-up season yet again. Some of the people I know are changing their relationship status to "single". This is further maginified with the Norman Hakim and Abby Abadi break-up(divorced). I'm sad about Norman and Abby, they were cute together and after several years, one would think that most of the hurdles have gone. I am NOT sorry about the Abby break-up though, I mean the man refuses to remotely act like a husband and father with the constant playing around. Let's see him try and launch that career of his without Bee Bee by his side.

Back to work!

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Dec 20, 2008

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 6.....

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Last night me, Joe Hanz and Iwan Sj went Kayu Nasi Kandar, a mamak restaurant on the corner of Taipan's area,Usj and. We ordered a whole bunch of indian foods( poori, rawa tousey) and had a teh tarik, limau ice and teh o ice limau drink and Roti sardin to end the meal with. Total cost per person: a cool RM 6.... just for supper. And it wasn't even a special occasion, it was just... lepaking supper. After the 10 bucks I spent on lunch, total spending on food, just for yesterday, was a cool RM50, not including reload card. Oh.. my.. bug. I think somewhere between the foods and coffee, I must've caught something 'cause today my head feels a wee bit heavy and I feel like I'm coming down with something. Bleurgh....

My old phone is busted (it fell and the case broke open, buggy bug bug), so I have now discovered the wonders of new E-series nokia phone, one of the most gifted nokia creation. There's pretty easy to use, and decent enough, actually I do miss the phone with camera and being able to zoom on things, and finally I have now discovered the new wonder of nokia technology: E-71. Observe, the camera 3.2mp plus with the GPS function, wifi, radio,3G and many more cool things Picture Preview:


It's close to 3 am right now, and my brain is slightly out of whack right now. Okay, I need to take a walk to clear my head and warm myself, I'll pen in again when I get to AA!

wasalam...

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Dec 18, 2008

:::machine head-Hallowed Be Thy Name::

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updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 5.....

Assalamu'alaikum...


AAARGGHHH!!!! rasa nak Demam demam! Can this week get any worse? Tuh lah, happy sangat last week, kan dah, payback time. Anyway, today I am feel so darn sick adeh! takutlak if I infect anybody else. There's no medicine in the house and office, too. Damn, I'm usually very meticulous about taking vitamin C every day, still I get sick. Dah lah ingat kan nak get my flu shot hari nie, you can't get the shot if you already have the flu! Crappy crappy... on top of it all, Great. Just great. Banyak benda pun tak siap lagik utk big planning, tinggal bape minggu je lagi. Hopefully everything just run smoothly.

I've never been the most obedient child. Slalu je degil takmoh dengar cakap abah (cakap mak dengar lagik, entah, double standard kejap). abah suruh kerja je tak yah fikir study2 lagi, tapi tak nak sebab nak gie overseas gak tak kira ape pun. The only thing that I did listen to him was that to involve myself in the accounting area. Know what, I wish I had listened to everything my daddy said, sebab ikut cakap parents nie banyak berkat nye.Sebagai contoh, my courses, susah camane pun, kambing cmane pun results, mesti ok je. Alhamdulillah sgt2. And sekarang nie, bile situation yang buat kepale tak menentu nie jadi, things are still within my control lah jugak, and tetibe banyak lah pulak "kelapangan" yang wujud. Made me wonder, ntah2 kalau blaja pepandai and jadi doktor dari dulu, I might have breezed through everything nice and well, hehehe. Then again, kalau jadik doktor, takdelah kesempatan nak kenal iwan, dira, sarah, mahyudd, zaza, zeta, nadia, lindzia, gabriel . I wouldn't trade their friendship for anything in the world.

What's in my playlist right now? machine head's "hallowed be thy name".Kesian my neighbor because I keep blaring the computer at ungodly hours. Whoopsie. Hehehe.... me

Okay, nak call my someone..I really love her so much and she love me too..Ciao peeps!

Wassalam...

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Dec 6, 2008

Keeping mum....

assalamu'alaikum....

I had a long day today, pepagi bangun gan tak mandi terus jek gerak dari subang gi putrajaya, haihhh visit my untie masuk hospital, Ingatkan just light usual fever tp bile kite gi melawat td, perh!! kinda a seres, haih kesian plak tgk dia.

btw masa on the way nak gi hospital tu, mak sekali lagi buat kecoh. Ade ke dia bawa keta gi langgar divider tepi jalan, adus nak kesian pun ade nk tergelak pun ade. Tapi dr cara dia cerita mmg kesian la maklum la pompuan lagi2 bukan org lain mak juga (sayang mak) ..:), mcm ni la cara dia citer kat aku;

mak: tahu long, mak td nak betul kan lauk nak tumpah dlm keta ni sekali stereng terpusing mak kereta terlompat( bleh plak terlompat) naik kat bahu jalan, mak mengucap banyak, allah masih sayangkan mak.

Dlm pada kejadian tu bleh plak BF mak aku tepon kebetulan (abah la sape lagi);

abah & mak...
abah: awk kat mana ni?
Mak: Inah kat kedai keta ni bang, keta ni stereng dia terpusing, Inah eksiden.
abah: La, mcm mana boleh jadi camtuh, keta tu mmg tak elok dah stereng dia( padahal mak risaukan lauk dia yg nak tertumpah tu).
Mak: ntah la bang.

abah: takpe la nnti belikan keta lain je la, kete tu biar abg amik balik. abg pakai jer( ala sweetnyer bapak aku, klu la aku leh ckp kat isteri aku camtuh, eksiden sket je "tukar keta ye sayang"....cinta gak abah kat mak keskeskeskeskes)

...pastu ade la hal suami isteri dorang ckp...cukup la takat tuh jer leh share..

again mak, kite pun kene la anta mak gi hospital, nak melwat untie kite, sekali dia buat lagi. Masa tu aku sibuk2 carik parking kat hospital, bleh plak mak aku sound;

mak: parking je la kat tpt mak( reserved)
mak: ha tu yg kotak no.2 tuh.


Yg aku heran dan tertanye tuh kat hospital tuh dia tulis 'pakar on call' reserved..aik mak pakar, bila plak dia buat specialist ni*muka blank*..haihhh mmg mak aku ni selamba, kiut dan power. Ape-ape jela mak asal mak bahagia (sayang mak)

~fir~

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Dec 5, 2008

Fir for her..him or you...


Assalamu'alaikum....

Wah ade org majuk... Ita buat lawak sexy pun tak perasan...last weeks ita kawin tp tak dpt pergi because mak banyak tpt nak gi... congrats lah ye ita, mampu cakap nie je, tak mampu nak sendiri menghadirkan diri, LoL. Tak sangke partner in crime dah nak jadi bini orang. Teringat lak selalu reporting kat kita klu tgh sedeh*ehem* ... such as "aku sedih la ari ni".... dan sebagainye (kalau tulis sume skang mampus aku kene ketuk). skrng ni ko buat anak je la, aku nak je jadi uncle Fir, bleh belikan baju Osh Kosh B'Gosh. Anyway, lepas nie tulisan akan di conduct dalam Bahasa Inggeris semula sbb ade yg kawan2 kite dia tak paham bahase.. melayu...tp mcm la dia faham ape aku tulis Inggeris pun(kamus kat sblh je)..hahaha lawak2

Now I have even LESS work than before, and if you've been a faithful reader of my blog, you now I haven't been doing much to begin with. So now I am basically just here killing time and brain cells, playing card and chatting with my sayang, (wah rindunye cepatla flight balik sayang) , Thinking about her is kinda sweet for me, I miss her like grazy. Huh! btw sounds like easy money? Not when you consider the ungodly time I have to wake up every freaking day and the fact that whatever I do now revolves around work. However, I am grateful that money is coming in, so yay that.

My tummy hurts, so I'm just gonna get me some cereal drinks, maybe I'll pen in again later. Ciao! see ya.......

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my shopping list..........graziesssssss......


assalamu'alaikum...

Iwan sj and I went to Sunway Pyramid.... shopping beli kasut... omigosh duit habes shopping jek, since I had nothing appropriate to wear. Everything either too tight or too short , LoL. Ade satu baju tu, I can't even remember why I bought it, sure tgh sale buy 1 free 2 yg dekat FoS tuh, sgt tak appropriate nak pakai gi mane2 pun, nak pakai kat umah mcm panas lak or cantik la sgt. What the heck. So terpakse ler carik baju2 yg kurang budak-budak and more mature and at least mcm kemeja lengan panjang ke baru la nmpak executive sket...hahaha poyos...

Setelah byk2 kali window shopping.... found a few stuff to wear :) . Hopefully enough for the upcoming three months (pakai baju yg same je lah). However, I found plenty of shoes!! Omigosh kasut kasut kasut merate. My adidas is so old, it started of as blue sekarang tukar warne jadi kelabu (serious tak tipu). Bosan dah pakai adidas detroit pistons, so I set my sights on these pair of new adidas porsche design limited adittion (mmg cun habes). Specifically for porsche design, one of the greatest shoes with lotsa porsche hhehehe. Best-best. Jangan tanye price, suffice to say, bengkrap lah jugak. Sgt cute. Observe:



My new shoes exactly like this, Why do like these shoes? 'Cause they're limited edition that's all..bleh tak! adus!!!! terfikir gak Ughh... why can't I be rich. Bley je beli sume yg limited edition hahahah....wah! currently pening-pening lalat condition. Sempat lagi tuh nak mem blog, have to if not my eyes would start to close and I'll drift off to sleep...esok kan cuti nak menikmati hidup tak mo tido awal...hehehe

ok la...see you on the flip side...

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Dec 3, 2008

:::home Sweet home::


Assalamu'alaikum.....

Aritukan ade argument dgn abah (due2 stubborn, kite jenis yg tak suke kene arah tak tentu pasal, abah pulak suke mengarah tak tentu pasal) pasal, all of things, jogging. Apparently sebab dah makin tembam compare masa mude2 dulu, abah bising2 nak suruh org jogging. Suruh tau, bukan suggest. Needless to say, my answer was a resounding "tak nak malas nyer". Aiseh, kite tak suke jogging, paling bagus tak yah makan lansung tak pun gune elliptical machine ke, weights ke.... paling tak kenan jogging, tak kisah lah jogging tuh di kire care paling cepat nak lose weight, kalau tgh betul2 bosan or nak warm-up je baru jogging. As it is, dah lah sendiri stok yg tak suke exercise depan family, sebab kene komen je memanjang, so bile kene suruh2 camtuh, siap cakap kene ikut jugak besok, I gave a big "tak nak. Mak, tgk lah abah! Ade ke..", packed up buku cerite yg tgh pegang, cakap nak bace buku dalam bilik, and fled, tinggalkan mak nak settlekan dengan abah. I hate it when he does that to me, layan org macam still budak kecik, mane org tak lari rumah , then skrng ni nak gi jauh lagi.Lepas nie nak lari gie mane pun tak tau dah. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, tapi die punye infuriating tuh Allah je lah yg tau kite rase macam mane.

Anyway, mak bile dah sampai hospital, try nak pujuk. Cakap lah "kene faham lah, itu ini gitu gini..." (okay, tuh bukan exact words die, tapi exact words die org malas nak tulis). Tgh2 nak pujuk tu, sempat jugak nak advive soh gi padang besoknye, die kate kengkadang tuh, it feels good nak ikut kate orang . 'Why don't you try, once, and find out how you feel". Tuh mak cakap. Kite dalam tak nak-tak nak tuh, kene lah pikir jugak kan, ekceli still tak nak, tapi dah cakap dengan mak, "tgk lah dulu", sebab segan lerr nak lompat2 depan org.

Ayat mak lepas tu lah best,

mak : di taman memang ade ramai orang, tapi masing-masing dgn aksinya tersendiri. Mereka memang tak ambil peduli apa orang lain buat. Mereka dah pandang pun kat kite
mak : mereka tak nampak pun kite

Keskeskes.... nasib baik mak aku kiut, so bende2 yg die cakap takdelah rase weird sgt, tapi still kelakar lah jugak. Siap suruh nyorok belakang pokok...

mak : kalau segan, boleh nyorok belakang pokok
mak : tapi kalau belakang pokok, mana nak nampak cikgu aerobic tu?

Keskeskes..... kelakar lah mak, tapi sebab die macam tu lah sume orang sayang, sweet baik je mak, alih2 dapat anak lelaki macam mala'un, tambah2 lagi suka kerjakan duit dia(sayang mak)...

tapi sian gak kat mak selalu dok kat umah sensorang, kadang dia ajak balik..tapi aku rasa cam malas lak sbb geng2 sume area KL je umah putrajaya...hahahahha, Oh well....

"home sweet home" (?).

~from fir to mummy~

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Nov 29, 2008

Fir broken~fallen~fall for you~I'm yours.....

Assalamu'alaikum....

There is so much I want to say and alot of thoughts I wish I could share, but I can never really fins the words good enough to put in a sentence that would make sense. The first time I talked to you I liked you already. I wanted to be there for you when you were depressed and I didnt ever want to leave your side. At the first place I didnt think you liked me or didnt want anything to do with me but I still talked to you anyway, you were always sad and I didnt like seeing you like that. I tried my best to make you smile. I think after a little bit it worked. I love your smile by the way. It's the most adorable smile I have ever seen in my life. When I see your smile, I immediately light up and have a smile a mile wide. It's crazy right? after a couple weeks of talking to you, you became someone special in my life. I wanted more, but I didnt know how to tell you so I kept it to myself. I dropped hints here and there but I dont think you caught my drift until I started talking about sharing love. I was too afraid to tell you. I love that we had those jokes and making fun of eachother and just talking for hours about random things. The first time you called me, it's was 12.01 am on my birthday, you were the first one who wishes for my birthday and you were at somewhere which is to far away from me . So nice of you and thank you so much dear. I'm not sure why you called at that time but I believe your heart told you to and but it got better after a little while and then it became calls everyday.

One day, I told you I was in love with you, and I couldnt believe it because it was probably the most important decision I could have ever said in my life. You seemed pretty speechless and I was scared I might losing you, but a couple nights later you told me you were in love with me and my heard shot through the ceiling. Weeks rolled by, suddenly we had a little argument after that about "having someone" in your life and I was always getting so jealous about it, but you explained everything to me by dropping me an email and it was probably the best answered I ever heard someone say to me, especially from someone as amazing as you. When you choosed me that was the greatest day of my life by far and I couldnt believe I was finally being someone special in your life too. Nothing was more perfect than us. :) We have so much in common its really adorable and sometimes say things at the same time, we love each other and I am so in love with you infinity and beyond.

I want to tell you are my soul mate. I feel so complete with you and I cant picture you being out of my life. If you had ever left I dont know what would I do. No other person has ever meant so much to me before but you just seem to always make me feel better than I really am. Its like I cant even control my feelings because there is so much love for you coming from me that I can hardly contain it. Its like jumping out of my chest going to you but thats ok with me. I dont ever want anyone else to have my love except you and I want you to keep all my love and never give it back. Im in love with you always and forever. Everytime I think about you I get this smile that is the biggest ever smiled before. You bring out the best in me.

I hope you know and trust that I wont. I couldnt bear the thought of ever hurting you. I would never forgive myself if I did. You are almost the perfect person and no matter how many times you deny it I'll only tell you over and over again. Im so deep in love wit you.I could name a million songs that remind me of you. If I could I would set a playlist of every song that reminds me of you but there wouldnt be enough space and I couldnt remember every song that remind me of you, but I find a new song everyday that makes me think of how amazingly perfect you are and how much I love you.

Allah has blessed me when he sent me someone like you to share my world with. Im glad you are the person I can come to anything and everything. You know everything about me, my past, my present and you already know that my future talks about you. I want to spend forever with you. I want to always be yours and only yours and I'm yours. I want to marry you and live with you and fight with you about what color to pain the wall or what kind of couch and bed to have or what annoying little cat we have to care and what color microwave.

I want to be the one to do all those things with you.I trust you with my life. I'll do anything for you no lie. I'm glad you came in to my life. You made the biggest impact in my life telling me that someone does love me and cares for me. I didnt think anyone would ever fall for me but you came and told me different. You make my life complete. I know I pen alot and you are probably too tired to read it but I just wanted to share my feelings with you. Im missing alot of stuff. I dont even think this is everything I wanted pen. But I dont want to bore you and I dont think there is enough room in the message to fully expain my feelings for you. Just so I love you so much and Im so in love with you and I'll never fall out..”between *laughing for no reason* stupid arguments, long talks and making fun of eachother. I fell in love with you.

~from fir with trust~

comments (1)

Nov 23, 2008

::Cry will bring me back::: ' Plunged in thought' part I::


Assalamu'alaikum....

What prompted me to penned this morning, because all day there is a burning in my heart and I can't stop it. I don't even know what to do with it. It's just lke weighing on my heart like a heavy weight. There isn't much I can do but pray. I have so many good ideas, good plans, new projects and thoughts, but the spirit of Allah is reminding me over and over again. Simply pray. Cry out to me. Get into the place of desperation and seeking my face again.No longer strive and just pray..LoL

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Things aren't bad, yet I can't say that thing are great. Somedays I fail, some days I suceed. Some day I feel like I can leap over the mountain. What things I do know is that Allah loves me and he sees the deepest most inner part of my heart. He Knows how bad I need him.

I need to remind myself " I'm not losing this battle, I'm winning in fact I have won. I may not be the best person, the best son, the best lover, the best writer the best on anything but being the best or having it all toagether is not the point. The point is that I love Allah with all my heart and I truly desire to do his will even though I may stumble and fall, Allah is always there to pick me up...Alhamdulillah

I'm in that place where my heart is burning again. I don't have a clue what I am to do. The vision is so large, yet I feel so small. I just want to see revival. At the same time I want to see myself become a better person. A better friend, a better son, a better brtoher, a better husband and a better person. I want to do it right. Sometimes I get so down on my self for not being perfect and Allah is teaching me to give myself grace, to forgive my self and not to compare with others.

Lastly let us never cease to pray and cease to seek Allah. By doing this we will know him and know who we are....

~from fir with realisation~

comments (1)

Nov 22, 2008

::My love life anthem::: ~I'm yours~


I really love this song. My someone like this song too.I love my someone and she loves me too, this song is just like our love anthem.

"So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours"

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Secondhand Serenade-Fall For You....



Secondhand Serenade Lyrics
Fall For You Lyrics

comments (0)

Nov 18, 2008

How do I live....


Assalamu'alaikum...

"How can I tell I'm in love with you?", what is love? how does my heart choose a partner? why does love end? These questions can't be easily answered. Admittedly, attraction is a factor, but my love goes deeper than that. My love is simple dear, is about caring, friendship, commitment and trust. I probably was more open to the idea of marriage, but I spent the time struggling on my career instead(heck!) and by now I have to focus on my study *sigh*. However I believe the "exception" rather than the rule.Honestly I'm not looking for "love". I'm looking for a lifepartner, the person who wants to be my partner in life, and where we'll be there for each other holding hands through the best of life and the worst even at death...

Let me share something...

I love you because I have always loved writing but you are much more incisive than that....

I love you because you look so innocent but are a little emphatic.....

I love you because you just simply you are...

I love you because you're everything I wanted to be....

love,

Eh! guys need yr help, I've been offered by British American Tabacco Plc. I really dont know how to react on this. If you have the ideas pls lemme know. What should I choose? tonight I am just finishing review their jobs descriptions and it's really something I always wanted to be and the most "salary" dowh! almost lumayan..ahhhhh!!!

~Fir really miss someone right now~

comments (2)

Nov 16, 2008

how could it happened to me...


assalamu'alaikum...

I'm just so tired and alone right now, I really want to flight and going any where....sheshhh!! After a serious, several-years-long relationship failed, I was devastated. I was sure that I would never find a love like that again, but times and feeling change. I gave up looking. I was emotionally exhausted and discouraged and had decided that love wasn't meant to happen. Suddenly a few days ago, I was found the most wonderful girl. We not really connected instantly but we have been talk something unusual, but like I said in previous entries *she might just simply say something and mean the exact opposite or just mean nothing*, and I really trapped on this fantasies...shessh!!!

I noticed this kind of thing happened because I get wrapped up with ' loneliness' and I simply followed my heart with no directions. I hate to feel something like this for example avoiding, hoping and the most horibble thing I don't even have appetite to take meals. Omigosh! ahh!! this is totally insane! DAMN! I broke my rules...shessh!! The reality is I should not have dreamed anyone so perfect like 'this' and opposites don't attract as much as finding similarities does. errr!!!

I dont believe I had (correction,have) a crush on a girl in a few days only. It was pretty much a “crush-at-first-sight” thing,really! I hate this feeling*in love*. Wanted me to say I love you, I miss you, I'm waiting for you, I'm sorry. It just makes me feel anxious.....ah! Crap!!
I need to reach Dublin before middle of feb so that I can go to UK before the winter ends!! Aaaackkk! hopefully dyra is gonna come and visit me ( ko bnyak duit kat makcik) so maybe we can go there together :)...

~fir~

comments (1)

Nov 15, 2008

best...bestnye..


Assalamu'alaikum...

Nyahahhaha...4th entries for 2 days, meroyan habis. heheheh..this time saje nak tulis benda yg ringgan2 sket, besides dh terlalu banyak thoughts on top of thoughts..hahaha mesti boring kan...this few days bestnye, bestnye, bestnye nape erk..baru la ingat nak jalan2 sikit ari ni, bertuah punya KL terus ujan ambek ko, tak kasi can lansung. keta plak takde...

Cakap pasal keta dh due weekend takde keta nih, anta repair siap dah, tapi takde masa nak amek lak jauh sgt, hmmm..then asal member tanya "free tak mlm ni?" asyik kena jawab "tak" takde transports, tak amek keta lagi. wtf, asal takde keta je takde social life ni? asal asal asal? mcm2 mende tak leh buat...hampeh, time-time camni la rasanya nak soh mak carikan someone kawinkan jek hahahah (sayang mak) ...

Smalam before tido sempat lah borak ngan sorang kanak-kanak nie, lame tak chat ngan die, plus takdelah rapat sangat pun in the first place tapi boleh lah. Lepas due tige menet chat, baru perasan ayat die almost sume start ngan "Boyfren I... ", sebagai contoh: "Boyfren I cakap tempat tuh best", "Boyfren I datang pick dengan kete die", "Boyfren I itu...", "Boyfren I ini...". Erk... sedikit meluat lepas dah lame-lame chat tuh, sebab ye lah kan, ayat sume same jek. Plus macam org tak kenal je boyfren die sape, bukan best sgt pun. Nyahaha... tak ke mampus kalau budak tuh bace entry ni. Biar... rase kan, setengah jam habes camtuh jek, org nak tau cite pasal pendapat die, asyik2 masuk pasal boipren die. Adoi! May all my fren not become like that ever, amin!

Oh, btw, fare cayangku, where are you, are you okay? Tinggal mesej kat email tak berjawab, amek ko, aku letak kat blogger.rasakan! mati akal dah, lain tanya lain jawab plak tuh...and btw I'm not in love at all ok..eh!(soalan ditutup!)... fare nape aku tak leh locate ko...pakai firewall ape..siut betul!

Okay, I have a headache right now!

Wassalam....

comments (0)

Dub-ya "w" simply describe me.....


Assalamu'alaikum....


Whats wrong with me? Well, I have been trying to figure that out for a while…
There are a number of things that are wrong with me. Things that I can name, anyways.
Like…

Why is it that I know what I have to do, and yet I cant get myself to do them?

Why is it that I feel that no one can relate to me? As if I’m barely part of the same species?

Why is it that I keep on making stupid decisions, empty promises, and unwise choises?

Why do I always feel like I am so stupid… when I know for a fact that I am not?

Why do I feel as if Im sometimes watching myself live from someone else’s eyes? Or that I feel like some statue?

Why does time seem to be going so fast, and yet, so excruciatingly slow at the same time?

Why cant my fire stay aflame for long periods of time? Why does it always burn out so quickly?

Why do I always feel so tired? So restless? I’m not depressed… but Im not all happy, either.

Why do I sometimes feel so insignificant to the world?

Why am I always smiling, even when I dont feel like it?

Why do I laugh at funerals?

Why do I hate attention, and yet, desire it?

Why do I feel as if Im living life in a bubble?

Why dont I think I can ever fall in love?

Why cant I trust people? Why do I not want to trust people?

Why can I never learn from my mistakes? And if I do, why dont I ever fix them? Or keep myself from doing the same thing again?

Just… why?
~dubya's in fir~

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Fir life is in women's hand...


assalamu'alaikum...

I have been getting these butterflies lately due to someone I might think is attracted towards me?*shy* I really find it extremely hard to figure out whether it is really something or do I have the wrong idea? the best ways to figure out whether she is attracted towards or not is by the way of her body language. Mostly girls might lie but their body language would never lie. It always tells the true story...

If she is really attracted towards me she would start at in a way as she would happy talk with me and she would be completely into me and would even ignore the presence of people around her. She shows up all of a sudden. She would start showing up with unusual words.

The most she will asks about me, this is probably the most certain way to come down to a conclusion that she is really attracted towards me and this is the major reason why she is asking about me. Isn't? (ah perasan gile siut)

hahahaha, I'm getting so serious about this, I dont know yet, I really don't want to know what's in her mind? What is she thinking about? Ah! she might just simply say something and mean the exact opposite or just mean nothing

My mom always said ,"A new broom always sweeps cleanest." This means that everyone can seem perfect at first. Take time to get to know her before you propose marriage or commit to anything. When it comes to relationships, she may prove to be everything you suppose.

aihhh!! I guess better to slow down and get to know this sweet girl. Look with all of my eyes wide open. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

wei guys this is just a dry story from me ok?(amik mood nak tulis buku baru) don't even think about it and make any assumption on it. By the way I will remember the "3 rezeki" thoughts (you know who you are) thanks dearie it does help...

~fir~

comments (0)

Nov 14, 2008

End of The thoughts...


frendzz,

I actually hide so much from the world and sometimes there are so many things I want to say in a blog but can’t because I have readers who know me and will say things to me.I have had obsessive thoughts sometimes, but they come and go but take a different forms. When everytime I start to write a wall in my head comes up like slow me down and I can’t write. I feel terrible most of the time. I am sure you have all noticed my absence here lately.I just don’t typically feel up to “putzing” on my blog.

I am so lonely. I don’t know why. I have lots of casual acquaintances but I just don’t feel like I have any friends here or anymore. I sit and obsess, trying to figure out what kind of personality flaws I must have that keep driving people away from me. I just don’t see it.

All I do is study and I don’t even like what I am doing. Truth is, I don’t really want to do anything at all or I guess anything that resembles work.

I just feel like am at a low point and I need to turn it back around because I hate feeling like this.No one understands me!No one wants me!

I just know I am going to end up becoming the antithesis of what I want to be. I am going to get the antithesis of what I desire in life.I don't know what the deal is, I try and I fail. That's the way it goes. I feel like no matter what I do I am letting someone down. All I want to do is be happy with life. I have spent years trying to fix this, I came to the conclusion that I am a pessimist (and im ok with that), but ive been told by others that it isnt ok, and I need to change *just another way of letting someone down* oh well, I know what the end is.

You don’t have to respond to this.I just needed to get this out of my system and down in words because I can’t let it keep floating around in my head anymore.

~fir is fail~

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Oct 25, 2008

Story of my friendz and I......


Assalamu'alaikum....

I struggled to get out of bed every morning, I was unmotivated in life, and I was generally unhappy with my life. I believe most people have trouble figuring out what they don't like about their life, me either (work sucks, I can't form relationship, and I have no direction in my life) but for me figuring out where to go next is the real key and the also living a balanced life is the real key. It's actually so much more to life than work. Mostly people have to sacrifices their life because of work. Making these sacrifices is kind, but when you spend years focusing your energies to benefit others you'll notice that if your efforts go unrewarded, then you are the one losing out.

Sometimes I feel like my life is slipping away as im getting older and feel I am not achiving things.crap!. What I'm trying to do now make a list of things that I want to accomplish and try my best to do so. I really want to get out and travel the world, meet new people from all walks of live and have a convo, ask question etc, but it becomes harder and harder to find things well worth living. The only thing that give me a sense of purpose is my writing. I find thrilling and it keeps the spark of life inside me alive even bad times. Like I said previously my writing decent the best. For instance, I was writing about love story, the story of my life, stories about people and things surround me or anything and everything. Believe me not, writing can be very addicting...ok enough STOP it Fir!

Lately, some of my friends having a problem with their relationships right now. Guys! Look at your conflicts and recognize that most of you are intelligent adults. Try to find the root cause of a conflict, then work forward from there. Resolve the root cause, and don't worry about the rest....Now, just so I don't leave you totally high and dry, here are my best suggestions:

Friend 1(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

Meaningless arguments....

Meaningless, shall we bothering them. You should be learning to incorporate each other into your decisions. You won't always get your way, and neither will he. Compromise is a very important part of relationships. It also isn't a one for one deal. If you are fighting daily, then you have not worked out a positive basis for a relationship. So? Just take a break, I don't mean break up, or anything, I mean, just take a day and do something by yourself, relax, Just talk to him like once a day, (if you don't live together). Sometimes you just need to step back for a minute. Or do you think something else is going on? when you start arguing everyday, it becomes a routine and your not happy anymore when you are around this person, it's hard to even smile because of the negativity. I say either take a break and step back, or talk it out. Or let it go.

Friend 2 and 3(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

Lack of trust...

If you know he loves you (and you love him), why are you not married? I mean this with no disrespect. I just hope you consider that both you and your boyfriend's lack of trust stems directly, and I mean directly, from the lack of marital commitment. Ok?.You know what dearie, what is the base of a relation? It is the trust, and love,do one thing sit quietly for a while and think about 2 things; Firstly, your Bf and you met the way you both used to behave with each other then. Secondly the way you both behave with each other right now, if you see a lot of difference and then ask yourself why are you in this relationship? are you happy? is he happy?? why both don't trust each other? and then calmly sit with your bf and ask him why he do not trust you, when you love him so much?? ask him that,both of you in a relationship for many many years and when a relationship becomes strong you do not need words to trust your partner analyse youurself, him and your relation. And you are the one who is having the answers...ok?

Friend 4(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

long distance relationships....

I know currently you facing truly difficult time with your boyfriend of 8 years. You might feel little sad, relieved or you just denial and the pain will come later, but trust me you'll feel unburden when it's over. Eventually thing you missed did catch up with you, but don't too much overwhelmed with sadness. It's sort of a bittersweet feeling. When those moments happen, let them, don't shake them off. It's healthier to let them run their course.

I remember a relationship like this, Sound like we have made a good decision, but grief is a strange thing expect waves of different and conflicting emotions for some time, it's good to do some reading on the stages of grief. The stages are:

Denial - The initial stage: "It can't be happening."

Anger: "How dare you do this to me? (either referring to deceased or oneself)

Bargaining: "just let me live to see I'm graduate"

Depression: "Ya Allah, please don't take him/her away"

Acceptance: "I know my self will be in a better place"

Guys wheeeuuw! It's finished now. I am moving on. Then get yourself involved in something different, so make a choice and don't turning back...
~fir~

comments (1)

Oct 19, 2008

Fir Life is what happens..while I'm making other plans..."JL"






assalam'ualaikum....


I am please to give myself a chance to feel my real self before I allow my mind to start making plans. It' very, very easy to do. I am just in the habit of doing things backwards. It's learned process from imitating practically everyone else. I felt my world correctly as children and then grew into bad habit of thinking before feeling.

My thoughts are generated on top of thoughts, that appear out of nowhere. I have reaction thoughts to my environment. These reactions lead to thoughts, that lead to more thinking to deal with the original thoughts, and away from me. Emotion result from the process of reacting, contemplating and finally concluding, or maybe there is no conclusion, which can result in emotions of fear or stress.

The world tells me, this is the way. The world doesn’t really know what it’s talking about. Does it? Think about the complicated world in general. Is this really the best I can do? Notice the horribly high cost of living that has taken place in the last 30 years. Everyone seems to be running in place trying to keep up with this high cost of living. Whatever happened to the leisure lifestyle that modern technology was suppose to provide? Now, after all the heroic efforts to keep up with the ever increasing cost of living, the financial market is having a meltdown and the price of gas (unstable) and food is soaring. The world’s plan is broke. so?

In reality, theory fails to deliver the goods. The saying, “live by the sword, die by the sword,” is appropriate here. Sadly, I have found that when I live by the theory, I also die by the thought theory. While I'm plotting my road to happiness, my thoughts can continually steer me the wrong way on a one way street.

I’m excited to pen this, because I live it, and I know how nice it feels. Finally, something makes total sense and I don’t have to believe it, because I can feel it, plain as day. Everything that I have in my life can be appreciated on such a deeper level when I step out of my thinking and get back to me, right now.

For me thinking comes before feeling, what I feel before I think, is so natural and beautiful, that I’ll want to continue this process always. These are feelings that make me thinking mind could never deliver. All the planning in the world wont get me there.


“Life… is… what happens while I'm making other plans.”

So.

Stop making other plans. would I? shesshhh....'fir'

comments (0)

Oct 16, 2008

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 4.....


Assalamu'alaikum.......


Omigosh, dah lame, lame, LAME giller tak update blogger...(cuma smlm tu post ayat-ayat cinta) Me busy, busy, busy. At this moment, tgh menghabiskan sisa-sisa di office..tadi masa kerja bleh plak printer buat hal...Turns out one of the printers tuh tgh "toner low" kot... ( uh-huh.... bukan pompuan aje ade toner, printer pun ade), so the remaining one print(LC punyer) selaju nenek tue berjalan (no offense tuh nenek-nenek yang under 80 years of age.... that would include my mom, hahaha.... sayang mak). Anyways, kepale tgh pening sebab due hari tak tido. Bukan tido lambat tau, TAK TIDO. Adoi lahh...... ade orang tuh smalam buat lawak bodo ngan org, dah kene bebel.... tuh lah, buat lawak lagi kat org tak cukup tido, haaa... hambek ko....

Smlm chatted gan zaziot and ninord, biasa la ngumpat2 opis...si zaziot best!(sape si ninord nih!!!!) lebih kurang 12 mlm, tgh tensen pon boleh buat lawak siot lagik...Ahhh!!! I MISS WRITING!!!! "heavy" writing kat blogger lah..tak de idea nak produce good belleslettres lagi ape yang miss? I MISS LOOKING NICE!!! Skang pakai baju main ambek mane yang sampai je.... I MISS SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!! Waaa.... pasni sape lagi nak meng kaye shopping ctr? MOST OF ALL..... I MISS TIDO!!!!!!!! zzzzzz.......zzzzz......... too much abc's and not enough zzzzzz's .....makes fir one crap man.

I don't think being very busy and tension all the time agrees with me. rase camtuh sebab bile tgh tension, I get cranky, moody, all those stuff yang usually pompuan only get like once a month tapi lelaki yg tak kena pun kenkadand leh ada gak moody camtuh...Heck!.... Paling tak best.... I'll be really, really mean to people. Mule lah... start bossy sket... lupe nak cakap thank you kat org... muke masam macam yoghurt basi jek... ish.... takmoh dah...

I am chatting gan si dyra right now, as I'm writing now, dhyra nih always missing mana ntah(toilet agaknya) that's what u get for ilang selalu sgt eh!....mati akal...

dang forgot one thing...zeta one of the people yg gonna incang2 me..because pasang soundtrack ayat-ayat cinta....12 hours nonstop , nattalie plak nak muntah dah....hahahhaa but sorry guys..I really dont care, as I said earlier my life in it....lagu ayat-ayat cinta by rossa nih..malangnye too short lirik dia and fading dia kurang cantek lak last2 part tuh..but still the best song ever in my life, with a smokin' v-clip, so enjoy. Eh, by the way, can someone tell me what the heck does "ayat-ayat cinta" means? I know what ayat-ayat is, so kirenye ayat-ayat cinta nie mcm nak ayat orang ke?tapi lagu ni takde camtuh pun! Ermm.. eww... (*muke blank*)

~Hahaha.... hmm... things we do for love... or lack of it... ~

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Oct 14, 2008

ayat-ayat cinta....

It's by Rossa, one of my favorites song and movie, sebab suara rossa ade quality berhantu sket Story dia the best in the world, hahaha.... Lyrics and story has a little bit story of my life in it, 'cause one does feel like one made a mistake that one can't redeem in the eyes of other...."bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia"....

Lirik Lagu Rossa - Ayat Ayat Cinta

ayat ayat cinta lirik

Desir pasir di padang tandus

Segar sang pemikiran hati

Terkisah ku di antara

Cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang
Kasih bukan sekedar cinta
Pengorbanan cinta yang agung Kupertaruhkan
Maafkan bila ku tak sempurna

Cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
Cintaku padamu
Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh

www.rizkyonline.com
Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
Namun harus kutinggalkan cinta
Ketika ku bersujud

Video Klip Rossa - Ayat Ayat Cinta

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Oct 10, 2008

From Fir with love.....


To my dearest...

I hope that you have a very happy and fulfilling 26th birthday, thank you for sharing your heart and soul with me for the past 3 years. I appreciate your desire and sacrifice. Unfortunately for me (and you), we left a great memory and moment. I wish I could forget, but I can't. I'm stuck and it does happened. I freeze-frame a moment in my life and that's it. That's what it is to me. I can't shake it. It's usually just as vivid as it was the first time and whatever it is that you are to me, I won't forget it. No matter what changes. But for me a lot hasn't change yet, it's just different for me.

It's a curse and a blessing sometimes and other times it's just plain depressing. I'm definitely not on the same "track" as your expected. I'm not set on getting married, having kids, or fulfilling that "family life" thing. I'm taking it day by day. I'm trying to find what makes me happy and so be it.

Life is all about learning, and I'm doing that and I hope you are too. Trust me, starting a new year of our life is like reading new novel. We look at the cover and finger the first pages, anticipating what it will be like, as our progress, there are times when we're itching to flip ahead a few chapters to read what's going to happens, but we know we can't do that and maybe that's for the best. As the pages march forward to the denouement, we feel the joys and sorrows of each character as they enter and leave each scene. And then we gets to the very last page... and find there's a sequel! (and a new birthday).
May this year of your life be filled with the most precious gift of happiness. And even when there is sadness, may you always know that so many of people is actually care about you, and they always will...

happy birthday masrin....

your sincerely,
Firdaus

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Oct 9, 2008

New Cbox....

Assalamu'alaikum...

Ahaks! Finally a Cbox(chat room) that I like, hehehe. Like this one, easy, multi-lingual, nak load pun tak susah. Keskes.... me happy.

Thank you again Far for fixing my Cbox for me, you're the best :)!

~stress~

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Oct 7, 2008

Arghh!!!! depressed.......

assalamu'alaikum....


Is it possible to for someone to be so bloody difficult that you make everybody's life miserable? I think one can. Full stop. People have their breaking points, and I think some of us are reaching ours. While patience can be a virtue, patience wearing thin can be a time bomb waiting to explode, and I have to say, I personally haven't exploded in a reaaaallllyy long time, and I have no idea if everybody else had managed to vent their anger in some other way.....

Stuff that I hate: Being bullied. Being taken for granted. Unappreciated.. Have somebody betray me. Finding rotten food in my fridge. Bad hair days. Lousy vacations. Forgetting a friend's birthday(certainly I did but hated). Being miserable.. Having someone angry at me. Being angry at someone. Ppl who toy around with my feelings. Ppl who are too self-centered to think about other ppl's feelings. Feeling sometimes I can be too self-centered. Trying to be honest with someone and having it backfire on me. Not being honest and having it backfire on me. Letting a friend be a jackass simply because. Having that jackass ruin my day (or my life). Dating a jackass. Drunk strangers who try to grope other people for "support" (drunk friends, however, are kinda funny to look at, hehe.. not that I've seen that many). Drunk drivers. Expensive stores.

Finding an incredibly cute shoes in an expensive store. Not having a car. Not having license to drive a car. Having to drive a car anyway, even though without license. Burnt pizza. Fire alarm going off because of burnt pizza. Fire alarm screaming in my ears for a full freakin' 15 minutes before miraculously turning off by itself. Really cold days. Really cold showers. Hot coffee gone cold. Ordering coffee and getting hot chocolate instead (wha..?). Having bad taste in women. Not knowing why have bad taste in women when taste in clothes now almost impeccable. Thinking about getting married. Thinking about not getting married. Being depressed because of a jackass. Being depressed because I was jackass……what else……huh!!!!!!!!

~from fir with salt~

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Oct 2, 2008

Sadness at Raya Eid....


Assalamu'alaikum....

Happy raya Eid to everyone, I considered around this time of the hari raya we are in rainy season. But I am sho excited this year. As I said previously I used to enjoy raya eid when I was a kit, but these days I just can't be bothered with it and Raya Eid just brought another sadness things into my life. Every year almost the same it creeps into my mind, emotions, my spirit. I have felt bad, isolated, numb and invisible at raya time. I can't lift this cloud. Some years are worse then others. I now have family and friends and it make it very hard to fake the fun. Sometimes I feel so sad I have to go the restroom so no one see my uncontrollable crying fits, even most people thoughts I am much more tough than I am.

I have been on very bad speaking terms which makes my sadness intensify into thoughts of becoming invisible, escaping from this world.It is getting harder for me to fight the urges to dissolve this life. It is a very complex plan that need to be thought out of mind before sitting it in to motion. The how and where and when is very important. At my age I feel this things are not going to change much especially if the people around me thing that everything is my fault and I just need to change. There no use trying to get help because it’s too much to explain and it’s so complicating and I am just too tired of trying any more. But I am still here contemplating.

However, I believe I am not the one in the entire world, say universe that has not known sadness, not one heart that has not been touched by sorrow. We have all sat and looked out that tiny window and asked ‘why’? Why me? Why am I here? Why do I live? What is my reason for living? Could I have done that different? Should I have said something? I need to go on and live my life...*hug my self*

Anyway just read an email from far. I'm okay, dearie, thanks for asking. Far was worried about my mental well-being 'cause I've been acting like a basket case lately. Don't worry laling, I'm frazzled but still (barely) sane. Some friends are keeping me sorta sane (actually they sometimes contribute to the insanity and are detrimental to my mental health, LOL... but it's a welcomed distraction... sort of.... nyahahah)

Eh guys I am trying to write bedtime story (the girl and the cockroach) but now I realized am just not yet good on that. But I'll try to make it happen...just another crap from me..

~from fir with fly~

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Oct 1, 2008

::the girl and the cockroach::: by fir


Once upon a time in the small Ferningrad village theres one attracts sweets girl live in the village. One day the cockroach follow the girl going to the garden. Unintentionly she unfold secrets of her job. The cockroach look the girl pick fresh leaf from the garden to adorn one side another and it's certainly pretty and so purified. The cockroach tailed after the girl and suddenly the girl sat down to rest and eat something from her basket and wondering about her fate. The girl thought if she had been satisfied with simple things this would not have happened, but vice versa she knows that her life's journey will be more colourful outside there. She lifted her head up, felt the snow shooting her face and try her magical breath and hold a breath for while. The cockroach saw there was something wrong the way she held the breath. The cockroach....

to be continue....

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Sep 29, 2008

It's only Fir...until someone get hurts...

dear,


I would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya with thousands apologize, this raya it's cruel to watch you being hurt while am just sho busy with my stuffs and preparing for my upcoming journey. Am still I am. Something I still can't decide. And I want to say that it's not always easy - but it's simple that way and I want to stay and play it out, but I still have my doubts and beautiful things can never stay the same way. Actually you never deserved anything like this.

I want you to know the journey that I choose, need me learn how to be alone and independent, my new place(if) might be my sanctuary, where by I can't simple ask for help from anyone, I shouldn't not depend on anyone unless it is a life and death situtation. I hafta to deal with my sadness alone. In fact, I will cry if I have to and not feel less if I do. Am still worry less something that is not sure to happen. I will accept that I am indeed sad but I will not put up a facade of sadness....

I have/had/will hurt you so much in the timelines, again orang memohon kemaafan because I destroyed your dream. I am saying this way ahead of time too. I hope you understand that I need to this, because it's been quite long time and am still not in any values.

Anyway, I would like to say thank you for loving me the best possible way and I’m sorry that you’re hurting too much right now. But that’s life it’s complicated but beautiful. Everyone has to move on. Right now I’m miserable but I’m taking everything one step at a time…I guess I need to face the reality that I am fir.

::Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin:::

~from fir with endeavor~

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Sep 28, 2008

Look to a Fer for the true magic of Hari Raya...



Assalam'ualaikum....

Looking back over the hari raya of my past, I realize that my Hari Raya have not only evolved, but have taken on various lives of their own.

For me, Raya was it, the ultimate in a my kid's life, the day we all waited once a year for that day to arrive. My parents didn't have a lot back then, but every Raya there were some new baju melayu or baju kurung that for sure, along with family gatherings, gift giving,duit raya, and off course with the Malay tradition of eating all day long, were all a part of our Raya ritual.

When my adult years arrived, Raya seemed to have lost bits and pieces of its original luster. The duit Raya will be outward instead of inwards, no more the balik kampung traditions, the whole raya's thing, for whatever reason, seemed to have taken a nosedive. As of now when became a huge family I guess Raya took on new life, new hope, a home of our own to lovingly decorate and more importantly, precious relative or new family members to lavish raya on and infuse its spirit into. Sharing Raya with my entire family members not only allowed me the joy of giving them some things they truly wanted, it also allowed me to feel the magic I once felt what seemed a million years ago. Photos of happy, excited children in soft and "sesi bermaafan" are always close at hand to elicit those fond memories. However Raya tradition requires to make it all come together just the way you want it but not all tradition continued... :(

I believe there really is "no place like home for the Raya," just like the tradition says. The warmth of family and friends offers us a sense of belonging somewhere special. But for magic, look to a kids to provide it. And definetely for the light of the spirit of Raya can truly be seen in the innocence of a kid's belief, one that has not yet been tarnished by life's ups and downs. And that light, when recognized by an adult longing to see it, is dazzling, scintillating and absolutely spectacular.

Dear All,

During these last days of Ramadan, saya nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin to semua orang, tak kisah lah kenal or tak kenal, kalau saya ade ter cakap, terbuat salah silap, maaf kan ye. To err is human, to forgive divine. Haa.. especially mende yang terambik, termakan, terminum, halalkan lah. Last days of ramadan nie banyak berkat die, tak advantage of it :) (advice for me, too, tak sangke Ramadan dah nak habis). May all of us have a blessed life, filled with hope, joy and laughter.

~from fer with tugging~

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